pets

The Fundamentals of Effective Communication

December 3, 2025December 4, 2025 by jcafesin, posted in communication

My husband was upset with our 7-yr-old Shepherd-mix pound-hound this morning. “Ellie won’t come with me to Frisbee anymore.”

He generally takes her to the park every weekday afternoon to play. I take Ellie Maze on the weekends. I stand at the top of the hill and hurl the disk as far as I can to get her running. She needs the daily workout.

“I had to take her in your car again to get her to go.” He paused, glared at our dog laying on her fluffy blanket near the kitchen table. She stared back at him then looked at me. “I get she wanted you to take her, not me.” His pout made it clear he felt dissed. “I take her 5 days a week and somehow that’s not good enough.”

My beautiful Maze is a brat, to everyone but me. Raised by four adults—two grown kids, my husband and me—all placate to her desires since we adopted her at just 8 wks.

“I don’t know why she gravitates to you,” my DH said. “We all take care of this dog, but you’re her Alpha. Clearly,” he added, looking down at El. “Is it just because you trained her?”

“I was on her more than anyone else, but we all trained her. Give a dog what they need, and consistently express what you need from them, and it’s really not hard to communicate.”

“For you. You’re like the Dog Whisperer,” he said, and still believes it.

“I’m not. All you gotta do is talk with them, like I do with you and the kids. Communication is the key, and easy with a dog. Dogs never ‘mature’ beyond toddlers. Expectations are simple, limited. Dogs want to please. So I wanna please them. Perfect synergy—mutual respect.”

“I talk to this dog all the time,” he defended.

I shook my head. “Not so much. You talk at her, give her commands, or praise her prowess or cuteness.”

“You do too!” he attacked.

“Yeah, I do. Who could resist that face?” I said, looking at Ellie, her rocket ears up, her big brown eyes fixed on me. “But at Frisbee, I talk to her—tell her where I’m throwing it, when to take off to get it, ask if she wants to wait before the next toss. And she does, a lot, especially after we’ve been playing a while. So, we wait. She stands by me or leans against me panting, and drooling.” I flashed a smile, but my DH didn’t acknowledge it, so I continued. “I’ve asked her to circle me when she’s ready for the next catch, and now she does. Didn’t take her long to learn. Frisbee’s her game. I let her lead, respond to her needs. That’s why she wants me to take her.”

“Last Sunday, when you couldn’t take her, she just laid on her blanket instead of going to Frisbee. I told her to come over and over but she wouldn’t move.” He looked at our dog and Ellie’s huge ears drooped. “She didn’t come, until you commanded her to go with me.”

“But I didn’t command her. I explained I’d hurt my back, and that I couldn’t take her, even though I usually do on weekends. I told her she wouldn’t get to play at all if she didn’t go with you. I looked her in the eyes, told her I was sorry and acknowledged her disappointment, as I would with anyone I let down.”

He looked at Ellie. She looked at him, ears drooping, then back at me, rocket ears up, her fixed stare connecting us. Then she got up and came to me for strokes of approval.

It is known that from birth until 8 to 10 yrs old our foundation is laid—our personality, patterns of learning, observing—how we interpret what we see, our identity are all established in early childhood.

Dogs imprint faster. In about a year most dogs are locked into behavior patterns they’ll carry into adulthood. Ellie’s been [over]active since we got her. Vet called her a ‘high-energy dog.’

I’m imprinted on El’s psyche as her Alpha, like I am on our kids’ because I’ve talked with them endlessly, sung to them, with them, constantly. Music is a fantastic conduit! Preschool through middle school, I picked them up daily, planned activities, camps, sports, scouts. We talked about everything, no holds barred, sharing details I’d never have told my mother. I was, and still am their Alpha.

Just like our dog.

Ellie Maze will never grow intellectually beyond a 3 yr old child, topping out. But toddlers feel and express compassion, assert independence, understand rules and words by their tenor, if not their direct meaning. They bond to family, as El has made us her pack.

Most Sundays I make breakfast while my husband reads the NYT aloud. In the column ‘Social Qs,’ 99% of Philip Galanes advice: TALK TO THEM. ‘Tell your partner/mom/friend/neighbor/[dog] how you feel, what you need, and why. Then listen to their point of view, and compromise if necessary to preserve the relationship.’

The desire to communicate, instead of just get your way, is paramount. I’ve raised three dogs and two kids. They’ve raised me too, helped me feel seen, heard, respected through constant communication. While El’s needs are simpler, we all share real feelings, desires, hopes, disappointments, even in one another.

We don’t Defend, Deny, Attack, Retreat (DDAR) when confronted. For the most part, we listen, anticipate and respond to each other’s needs/desires. We don’t shut down and leave when challenged. We talk it outuntil we harbor no internalized anger or resentment. While my feelings for and commitment to my kids is far greater than my dog, my love for Ellie is also without reservation.

Our dog does not DDAR when we rebuke her behavior. She learns, and adapts for the most part, as my kids do for me, and I for them. And while Ellie Maze may have stopped maturing at the age of most toddlers, we have established mutual trust and respect. Like the kids and me, Ellie and I are a safe harbor for each other. I’m still working on effective communication with my husband of 30 yrs.

How to Train Your Dog

February 28, 2025 by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

My husband takes our 6-yr-old Shephard-mix pound-hound to the park every weekday afternoon to play Frisbee. I take Ellie Maze on the weekends. I stand at the top of the hill and toss the disk as far as I can to get her running since she’s a ‘high-energy’ dog and needs the daily workout.

At breakfast this morning my husband was upset with our dog.

“Ellie won’t get in my car to go to Frisbee anymore. I had to take her in your car again to get her to come with me.” He paused, glared at Ellie laying near the kitchen table on her fluffy blanket listening to our dialog. The dog stared back at him then looked at me. “Thing is, I get she wanted you to take her, and not me.” I could tell by his pout he wasn’t happy about our dog’s bratty behavior. “I take her 5 days a week and somehow that’s not good enough. She wants you to take her.”

Ellie Maze is a brat, to just about everyone, but me. Raised by four adults, the dog has two grown kids and my husband and I placating to her needs.

“I don’t know why she gravitates to you because we all take care of this dog,” my DH said. “You are her alpha. Clearly,” he added, looking down at El, who’s looking at me. “Is it just cuz you trained her when she was a pup?”

“I was on her more than anyone else, but we all trained her. Give a dog what they need, and consistently express what you need from them, and it’s really not hard to train most dogs.”

“For you. You’re like the Dog Whisperer,” he said, and believed it.

“I’m not. All you gotta do is talk to them. I talk to this dog, and every dog I’ve had, constantly, from the day I got them as puppies. Communication is key, and easy with a dog. Simple, unlike humans. Dogs wanta please. So, I wanta please them. Perfect synergy! Mutual respect.”

“I talk to this dog all the time,” my DH defended.

I shook my head. “Not so much. You talk at her, give her commands, or praise her cuteness, or her prowess.”

“You do too!” he snapped.

“Yeah, I do. I too melt with her cuteness,” I said, looking at Ellie, her rocket ears up, her big brown eyes fixed on me. “But at Frisbee, I talk to her about needing a break, ask if she wants to wait before the next toss. And she does wanta wait, a lot, especially after we’ve been playing a while. So, we wait. She stands by me or even leans against me and pants, and drools.” I flash a smile at my husband, but he doesn’t acknowledge it, so I continued. “I’ve asked her to walk around me to cue me up when she’s ready for the next catch, and she does now. Didn’t take her long to get my meaning. She gets what she needs from me at Frisbee which is why she wants to go with me more than anyone else.”

“On Sunday, when you hurt your back at Pickleball, Ellie sat on her blanket and stared at me when I tried to get her to come for Frisbee. She would not move and did not respond to my repeated commands to “Come!” He looked at our dog and Ellie’s huge ears went slack. “And she didn’t come, until you commanded her to go with me.”

“But I didn’t command her. I told her about hurting my back, and that I couldn’t take her, even though I normally do on the weekends. I looked her in the eyes and acknowledged her disappointment, as I would with any child. Dogs never really ‘mature’ beyond human adolescence. And regardless we all anthropomorphize our pets, most dogs aren’t born with a lot of hangups. Kids aren’t either. Expectations from parents, friends, social media creates them in us.” I smiled at my husband. He looked at Ellie. She looked back at him passively, then looked at me, the intensity of her stare connecting us. She stuck the tip of her tongue out, practically licked her lips — her classic mooch. Then she got up and came to me for strokes.

The Gift and Cost of Love

June 13, 2022June 13, 2022 by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

My mother was crying when I walked into the kitchen around sunset, her hips sunk into the linoleum counter top. She was slouched against the handle of the refrigerator door holding on to it as if to hold herself up. I looked over at my father who sat in his usual place at the head of the kitchen table. He had his stoic face on but his sadness was palpable. My sister sat across from him. She too was crying.

“What’s going on?” I was afraid of the answer, hoping it had something to do with my 98-year old grandmother since anything else was sure to be very bad.

“My Pepper dog is dead.” My mother kept her head down but I saw her tears fall to the floor.

No. That can’t be. When I left for the beach that morning she was fine. “Are you kidding?” The words sort of fell out of my mouth, hope trampling reason. It was clear she wasn’t kidding. Everyone stared at me with their jaw somewhat dropped but they didn’t say anything. “What happened?” It just seemed so implausible— not after 14 years and to date the dog had never been sick.

“We think she got bit by a rabid squirrel, or ate something poisonous.” My dad tried to keep his tone even but I caught the quiver. “Mom found her in the backyard in the bushes after calling her in for dinner and she didn’t come.” Then I saw the tears cascade down my father’s cheeks. I’d seen my dad cry only one other time, when JFK was assassinated. That’s when I ran out of the house. And kept running.

No! This can’t be happening. Not Pepper. Not my beautiful pound-hound Shepard. Not my best friend, sometimes my only friend, always there all these years to let me know I was valued. I should have taken her to the beach regardless of the hassle of looking out for her all day, kept her with me, safe, like she’d protected me from lonely. I should have played frisbee with her more, done more road trips, spent more time with her. I ached for more time with my bright-eyed, big eared dog.

I ran as fast and hard as I could, for as long as I could, trying to outrun reality, trying to outrun the hurt in me. My Pepper dog was gone, the first loss of a loved one I’d ever experienced, and the idea of her gone from my life was so profoundly empty, black, lonely, lonely, lonely it made me physically ill by the time I got to the bridge, stopped in the center and threw up over the side into the L.A. wash. When I finished, I leaned my face against the cool metal rail, and cried.

“I HATE YOU!!” I screamed at the heavens. It was dusk by then. No one was around. Not a whole lot of people even knew about that bridge. At one end was an upscale residential neighborhood, on the other were exclusive condos. “How could you take her away from me?! I HATE YOU!” I yelled at the top of my lungs through my tears, knowing I wasn’t speaking to anyone; no one, nothing was hearing me. I guess what I meant was, ‘I hate me.’ Right at that moment the loss hurt so badly that I hated myself for loving her.

“May I help you Miss?” He asked softly, but it startled me anyway. I hadn’t seen him approach. He had come across [the bridge] from the condo side. He was Indian, from India, with the softest brown eyes I’d ever seen. I think he thought I was going to jump off the bridge.

“My dog died,” I told him. I started crying hard again as that reality sunk into my heart. I don’t know why I told him. So often when people ask we’re supposed to pretend we’re fine because they really don’t want to know anyway. “I really loved her.”

He nodded, let a few moments pass in silence then said, “My aunt died last week. I am still very sad. I miss her very much.” He stood erect a few feet from me, his head slightly cocked to one side. He let his eyes rest on mine for only a moment then he looked down, consumed by the black hole of loss.

“I’m sorry about your aunt,” was all I could think of to say. The man had put his aunt on par with my dog, and I was humbled, and grateful.

“I’m sorry about your dog,” he said. “I hope your sadness will temper in time with good memories.” He gave a slight bow and moved across the bridge.

His kindness tempered my pain, a ray of light in the suffocating blackness. I watched him until he disappeared into the neighborhood beyond, but did not lose sight of his wisdom.

I left the bridge soon after him. On my way home I let my mind wander over my time with my Pepper dog. I cried. I even smiled once or twice through the tears.

My sadness has tempered over the years. Most times when I think of her the memories are sweet. But to this day, 35 years later, the pain of her loss still fills me with unmitigated terror, a now ever-present awareness of the enormous cost of love.