Tag: gender

Can We All just Get Along?

by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

Years ago, I took my five year old son to a playgroup. It was our first time at this particular group, meeting at the hilltop home of the founding member, and we were over an hour late. All the regular members of the group were already there, the moms gathered on the back porch watching their toddlers play in the sand strip that ran along the side of the house.

There were only two kids my son’s age there—the founding member’s son and the girl from next door. The boy and girl, friends since birth, were playing house in a plastic playhouse with pink French windows and a blue shingle roof. After observing them a moment from behind me, my son joined the kids in the playhouse. Five minutes later he and the other boy were in the yard sparring with sticks, then pretending the sticks were guns and shooting at the little girl.

My heart went out to her as she tried in vain to encourage her neighbor to come back into the playhouse and continue their game. And I did intervene several times, reminding my son how it felt to be left out and insisting that he find a game that included her, until finally they all agreed to play with the train set inside and went in.

I stayed out on the porch and had a somewhat stilted conversation with the other moms amid them chiding their children for eating sand, or throwing it, or both. A few minutes passed and the little girl came out of the house crying. The boys were making fun of her for being a girl, taunting her for liking dolls and playing house, claiming that girls and boys couldn’t ever be friends since ‘boys were cool and girls drool,’ so she wasn’t allowed to play with them anymore.

My son’s introduction to the new playgroup wasn’t going well, and I went into the house to confront him. He was happily hiding with the other boy in a tent-like structure they’d built on the living room floor. I called both boys to come out and face me. After my son vehemently insisted that the other boy had said the little girl couldn’t play, I told them both to sit down, hoping to enlighten them.

I again reminded both of them how it feels to be left out. Then I explained that in the grown up world girls and boys play together all the time.

‘In fact, my very best friend is your dad,’ I told my son and his new friend, and the little girl standing beside me. ‘He’s my favorite playmate. We can always find something to do together that both of us like. He’s my BFF for life!’ And since he was a boy and I was a girl, the boys were obviously wrong thinking that girls and boys couldn’t be friends. The two of them sat there thinking about what I’d just said, asked, “Really?” followed by “Wow,” and they finally invited the little girl back in and included her in their game. She got to be Princess Leia.

Listening from the back porch to my exchange with the kids, the women confronted me the moment I took my place on the concrete steps outside. They all wanted to know if I’d lied to the children about my relationship with my husband. Did I really possess the friendship I touted? Was he my first choice to play with, talk to, expose my innermost self to? I insisted he was. My husband was my closest friend, or at the very least it’s what we strove for. Wasn’t marriage about sharing yourselves inside and out?

Their answer turned out to be universally ‘NO.’ Out of the eleven women there, not one said their spouses were among their top three friends. All felt that, especially as they got older, they were drawing away from their husbands and moving towards other women for emotional support. They considered their girl friends their closest friends, those they shared their most intimate thoughts and feelings. All agreed that only women fully understood women, or wanted to, making it natural, normal, even healthy that they gravitated to like kind. Then they used our kid’s interaction earlier as an example of how males and females “naturally segregate” to back up their position.

Nature verses nurture is an ongoing debate over how much stereotypical behavior in boys and girls is genetically instilled or environmentally gleaned. Unarguably, gender has genetic differences in our physicality and our brain function. Boys and girls generally play together without reserve until around the first grade. The sexes begin to separate between 5 and 7 yrs old, around the same time we develop the brain power to assimilate within our environment, and begin to copy behavior of those around us. Eleven out of twelve moms at that playgroup chose to congregate almost exclusively with their own sex, modeling division between men and women to their kids.

Regardless that so many women today think most men are idiots, their utility is not limited to their earning capacity—making 20% more than a woman does—or their reproductive organs. Men are generally more linear, quantitative than qualitative, objectifying than identifying, competitive vs cooperative. While their brute strength is no longer required to bring down the mastodon [since we can all buy better steaks on Amazon], men offer lessons in living a more fulfilling life by being a bit more self-focused instead of solely maternal.

Most of humanity’s existence, men have taken the top tier—been the king of the castle, the final word in the household—because they could. Physical prowess won the battle of the sexes until recently. With the advent of technology, the reign of men is coming to an end.

Surrounding ourselves with like kind—women defaulting to women for a safe harbor—will not level the playing field or bridge the divide between the sexes. Women must learn to step up, stand our ground, not acquiesce to a man’s request simply because he made one. Men must step down from their throne atop the social order, even if they feel no ground, and embrace women’s emotional intelligence, our capacity for caring—for our children, and for them. No longer the sole bread-winner, men must offer more of what women do each other, become more maternal—beyond self—and more emotionally aware and available because with everything given something is owed, regardless of gender.

Our greatest hurtle to the union of humanity is not racial, religious, socioeconomic, cultural or political. The biggest chasm between us is our gender. Before men and women can actualize ourselves as equals, we must see ourselves as one people—the human race—each with our own gifts for the other.

What Makes a Great Man

by jcafesin, posted in masculinity

Men are the freight train comin’ at ya.
Women are the poison in your food…

I’m a guy’s girl, meaning I’ve spent most of my life hanging out with men instead of women. The freight train comin’ at ya, I prefer men’s straightforward nature, their directness, their unwavering, solution-oriented trajectory. Men are simpler than women. Not less intelligent, just not so round-about, from behind, underneath.

Women, by contrast, are the poison in our food. Eons of subjugation have forced us to become puppet-masters to get what we want/need for ourselves and our children. Not a judgment call, simply a fact that until very recently might was necessary for our species survival, putting men firmly on top of the human hierarchy. Greater muscle mass to kill mastodons gave men the ability to take what they wanted, including sex. From our beginnings, men have assumed they controlled the household with superior strength.

Notice I said, “men assumed they controlled the household.” Well, you know what happens when you ass(of)u(and)me…;-}

Seriously though, probably pretty early on, like cavemen times, women figured out how to get men to do what we want using our wit and wiles. Genetic transfer of memory over thousands of generations of women passing on how to be manipulative eventually became woven into the DNA and imprinted on our XX chromosomes.

Regardless of why women became… complex, the fact that we are scares me about us. Women don’t only manipulate men. Quite often our children, sometimes even our friends, and all too often ourselves. I’d much rather face a freight train because if I’m paying attention, I can get off the tracks before getting slammed. Hence, why I’m a guy’s girl.

Men have historically subjugated women simply because they could. A mere six generations ago, women were not allowed to own their own property or keep their own wages. The only way to keep her family fed and a roof over their heads was to placate to a man. Until as recently as the 1970s, women could not get a mortgage loan without a co-signature from a man. And even today, stats from Dept. of Labor for 2023 show women still make 83% of a man for the exact same job.

Times truly are changing, though. Want a mastodon? Buy one on Amazon. Men’s physical prowess is unnecessary in today’s world. Upwards of 60% more women graduate college then men today. Most educated women pursue a career path and can pay their own way through life now, even if we still typically make less then men. Most of us don’t need a man’s financial support to survive or even thrive. Technology — from the Pill to the PC — has made it possible for women to control our own destinies, and function equally alongside men in most of today’s business environments. The few jobs still requiring brute strength are being replaced by robots.

Men are losing their position atop the social order with every advance of technology, and every law enforcing equal rights. And falling off the tip top position of authority hurts. I get that. It’s why more men voted for Trump than women, by a lot. The new pres elect promised to MAKE MEN GREAT AGAIN, but this is a lie, like most everything else out of the man/child’s mouth.

  • Great men don’t need to subjugate anyone. They value input and recognize insights from their spouses and colleagues to their children.
  • Great men don’t need to be ‘right’ all the time. They respect other’s POV, often learn from them and alter their position.
  • Great men think with their brains, not their ‘little heads.’
  • Great men are humble, remorseful when they screw up. They don’t blame the people they’ve hurt when made aware. They apologize and try not to repeat the hurtful behavior.
  • Great men know how to listen. Hear. Remember and learn from what is said and discussed.
  • Great men can disagree without rancor or hateful rhetoric. They’ve no need to put down their wives, their colleagues, or their children’s behavior or POV.
  • Great men don’t make their career/job, watching sports, doing hobbies, or fulfilling personal desires more important than anything else in their life.
  • Great men are connected outside themselves. They consider the lives they touch and care about the radiating effects of their actions before taking any.
  • Great men do not need to be served but take pleasure in serving others.
  • Great men are aware of their own emotions. They understand what they are feeling in real time and express their feelings instead of brooding with silent contempt.
  • Great men are not afraid of looking vulnerable or asking for help.
  • Great men truly care about the world around them. Not just in words but deeds — volunteering, teaching, giving, sharing, investing their time in not just personal pursuits but helpful and kind actions.
  • Great men are empathetic. Compassionate. Kindness is the foundation of what motivates most of their behavior towards others.

All of the bullet points above (and many more not listed) are also what makes a Great Human Being.

I’ve been privileged to know a few great men in my life. I am free to express my thoughts and feelings to them without worrying they’re going to dismiss what I say, put me down, stonewall me, or try to silence me by derailing the dialog when they’re losing their position with my reasoning. Our relationships are of mutual respect. I never need or desire to play puppet master with them.

Playing the role of puppet-master is exhausting. Figuring out and then implementing the primers and triggers to motivate the behavior I want takes more energy than I care to invest. I prefer just TALKING and honestly expressing what I need, which is why I generally suck at puppeteering. And quite frankly, with so few great men, or women who aren’t honest with themselves or those they try and manipulate, it’s been a lonely life, always on the outside looking in on communication games I don’t care to play.

Gaming honest communication to get your way, get what you want, or ‘win’ a dispute is destructive in the extreme. Successful relationships — where both parties feel heard, respected, appreciated — from partners to parenting to friendships and colleagues require listening and caring about the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and preferences, and of course, understanding you can’t always get what you want, but both get what they need in equal measure. Only in doing so can each be a safe harbor for the other.

It really is time to eradicate from the human lexicon these ingrained antiquated gender roles and social positions that have been in place since the beginning of our existence.

It’s time for men to realize that to be a Great Man now requires more than brute strength or bringing in an income. Step down from the throne, shed the bravado and learn to build partnerships on a foundation of trust through mutual respect and compromise.

Women must come out from underneath, behind, quietly poisoning the well of honest communication with puppeteering. Instead of continuing to play puppet-master, stop accepting slights to avoid conflict. It only builds resentment. Boldly, honestly express how you feel and what you need. Don’t settle on being ignored, undervalued, invisible, constantly acquiescing to his desires over your own. Don’t manipulate. Communicate. Keep pushing the envelope of awareness, and know evolution takes millennium to change what has been since humanity began. We are all works in progress, and we must learn from one another to thrive together.

A Thousand Slights

by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

A journal entry to my 7-year-old daughter on the nature of women and men…

I have this lump in my throat as I write this. I want to cry, for the ‘Thousand Slights’ you’ll suffer, my baby. I want to shield you from that pain. But I can’t. And it makes me feel helpless and hopeless and scared for you, and for all women.

I love you, J.

You were in the playroom when I came in last night after shopping. You were building with Magnatiles, this beautiful amphitheater structure. Dad and your brother were playing Stratego on the kitchen table. At first I thought the scene was good and you were happy down there on your own. But as I put the food away, I noticed your face. I saw your sadness, and as I write this I can’t stop my tears.

Daughter of mine, I want to tell you about a billion things here, things I’ve learned along the way. I want to ponder with you the infinite worlds of things I’m still missing. But one thing I know for sure, men are not wired like women. They’re not. They’re not connected outward, outside themselves most of the time. Most men anyway. And that is going to come back and bite you again and again. Their often indifferent, self-focused behavior will hurt you deeply. And I’m sorry. I wish it was different.

The thing is, men are genetically wired inward, their senses connected to their body, and inside their own psyche. Until very recently, women were more chattel than partner before the suffrage movement in the early 1900s. This is not an indictment of men. After loving many over the years, marrying one, and raising another, I’ve come to see that there really are genetic differences between our genders.

Perhaps because women give birth, we are connected outside ourselves. Most women are naturally maternal, hardwired to be caregivers, pay attention to the needs of those around us. Maybe it’s because we’re the ‘weaker sex,’ have been at the mercy of men’s physical prowess that women have evolved to be aware, present in our environments for self-preservation. I’m uncertain why women are wired outside ourselves. I just know most are.

Dad and E were plugged into themselves last night. I’m sorry you were excluded. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to make them more aware of how that affected you. And I know it doesn’t really count to say they had no intention of hurting you. The truth is, they didn’t even notice they were.

My father used to tell me, “You’re going to have to bring most men to you — make them aware of your needs, even the needs of their kids.” I didn’t believe him. Old school thinking, before women worked alongside men to support the household. I figured men were more evolved somehow by now.

As you discovered last night, they’re generally not. You asked dad to be on his team, but when he said No, you should have told him how that made you feel. Don’t just walk away and feel hurt.

J, you are my ray of sunshine. You’re positively delightful by everyone’s reckoning who has the privilege of knowing you. I fear the ‘Thousand Slights’ will rob you of your lightness. I hope you don’t let them.

Don’t accept slights to avoid conflict. It will only build resentment inside you. Express what you need, how you feel. Don’t settle on being ignored, undervalued, invisible, constantly acquiescing to everyone’s desires but your own. Keep pushing the envelope of awareness, and know evolution takes millennium. We are all works in progress, and we must learn from one another to thrive together.