SEX is JUST SEX. It is a biological drive, a primal/base urge both genders possess (to varying degree between individuals. The urge is heightened from preteens through early 40s, and tapers with age).
SEX IS NOT LOVE, regardless of the portrayal in movies that the act of sex is profoundly loving, a spiritual meeting of minds, bodies, and souls. Having sex can be an action of love, but it isn’t with someone you’ve just met. Love takes longer and requires a lot more work than a quicky. And fucking on a granite counter top in the kitchen may look romantic, but seriously? Ouch!
AN ORGASM IS NOT LOVE. Dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and norepinephrine — the brain releases a surge of feel-good hormones with orgasm. This Pleasure/Reward circuit that lights up our brains is encoded in our DNA — part of our evolutionary process — incentive programming to reproduce.
Consenting partners engaged in sex often equate these happy hormones with feelings of love. This is especially true for first crushes, but the notion that sex and love are synonymous is the gold standard in mainstream morality. It’s proselytized by religion, parents, and the media — ‘making love’ the climax (excuse the pun), consummating the canonical ‘happy ending.’
It is NOT an action of LOVE, in the ‘throes of passion,’ to break marriage contracts of fidelity. It is, perhaps, more egregious to nix the condom to heighten erotic stimulation without knowing the sexual health and history of your partner. These are displays of their lateral orbitofrontal cortex shutting down, blocking out all reason, abandoning all behavioral control to spark the Pleasure/Reward circuitry in the brain.
Kind of like a gorilla. (They have a hard time with complex reasoning, and predictive modeling — examining the possible consequences of their actions, like producing a child.)
Historically, men are more driven by their biology, claiming to require or desire sex 5 times more than women. However, when either gender is touched appropriately, we are equally hard-wired for stimulated free nerve ending nociceptors to trigger a flood of happy hormones.
SEX is NOT LOVE, no matter what your pastor, or TV, or your mother tells you.
LOVE is much harder to attain than an orgasm.
In fact, I can and do take care of my biological craving for intense pleasure all by myself. And heads up guys — I’ve asked hundreds of heterosexual women over the years if they have a more intense orgasm with a partner or without. It has ALWAYS been without.
From biblical times, humanity has made the act of SEX so much more than it is because the consequences can pass on disease, and create life. Even with the advent of birth control, sex is still riskier for women then men. Close to 42% of pregnancies in U.S. are unintended. Approx. 33% of children live in fatherless homes. Over 20% of dads have little or no involvement in their kid’s lives. Choosing adoption, or to terminate unwanted pregnancies — each carries their own weight, for life.
We all expect the primary parent to be the mother, even today. Common wisdom professes women are programmed to care for our children. True or social rhetoric, we generally don’t walk away, which is why women and men usually have sex for different reasons.
Women are looking for a deep[er] connection when we initiate or consent to sex. Even with hookups, most women are looking for an intimate bond, a mythical shared emotional space. Languishing with their loverin the afterglow of sex is more satisfying than the orgasm itself. We imagine the moment lasting, blossoming into a loving relationship.
SEX is just SEX. But if Desire — the expectation of happy hormones — is not satisfied, a predictable pattern of behavior generally emerges.
Sexually frustrated men typically withdraw, become more distant, passive/aggressive. They’re less malleable. Less likely to pay attention, be supportive — from helping with daily tasks, to engaging in dialog over concerns and issues. This behavior leads to further discord between partners, and less sex, perpetuating the implosion of the relationship.
Women generally don’t want to have sex when we’re upset with our partners, but most of us don’t ignore Desire. As mentioned, we simply satisfy ourselves. Infidelity is not about orgasms. They’re typically with a man who lavishes attention, praise, sometimes gifts — actions their partner is not taking — and commonly mistaken as romance.
SEX may be grounded in our biological drive to reproduce, but over millennium women have found it a useful tool, consciously, or not. (You can pretend it’s not true, but you’d be lying to you.) We’ve woven so much crap into coupling — equating fucking with love, making sex the pinnacle of romance, acceptance, and required for intimacy, we ignore the fact that these are myths. Mere social and religious constructs to mitigate the consequences of intercourse.
Rooted in biology, and our encoded Desire to evolve, SEX by no means need be 5% of the relationship when it’s good, and 95% when it’s not, as your church, temple, and social media tells you…
- Over 18 and still a virgin?
- You’ve been on how many dates, and you haven’t made it yet?
- Together for X months and you only do it once a week?
- Newlyweds? You should be humping like bunnies!
- No sex for X means your marriage has gone stale.
Most loving, lasting relationships do not hinge on sexual frequency. Pressuring your partner to be sexually available at your whim should no longer be acceptable. Sexual Desire is dynamic — changing with circumstance, age, physicality. Over time, being there for the other andaccepting each other’s frailties garners trust. Trust generates intimacy — LOVE.
SEX can be an intensely pleasurable physical exchange between willing partners. It can be an expression of caring, a sharing, bonding experience for couples, but it will not make some rando fall in love with you. The dopamine rush from orgasm is not an emotional connection with your partner. It’s brain chemistry. More SEX will not save your marriage, or a dying relationship from poor communication. Having intercourse may defer but will not cure issues negatively affecting your partnership.
SEX is just SEX.
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