Tag: emotional health

Born Racist

by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

Every human being on the planet is BORN a racist…

We are ALL racists. Every human being on the planet is BORN a racist.

‘NO!’ you’re screaming at me. ‘BULLSHIT, you whacked-out bitch. I am not a racist!’

Racism is taught, not inherent to our nature is the common wisdom. And while it’s true racism, hate, fear can be taught by parents, community, schools, religious leaders, and conservative media, we are all born, to varying degrees, racists.

Mammals, the genome to which Humans belong, are born with an innate FEAR of THE OTHER — anything outside what is familiar to us. And this fear manifests as RACISM, and SEXISM, and NATIONALISM.

“FEAR of THE OTHER” should be the universal definition of racism. And humans manifest our fear in a variety of ways. Some, their fear is so overwhelming, their ignorance so great, it aligns with HATE, and they are violent against THE OTHER.

But sometimes, when our fear is acknowledged, and then examined, it motivates us to learn about THE OTHER. Only then, do we discover that regardless of color, or even gender, we are not so different. We all FEEL the same feelings.

‘BULLSHIT,’ you calling me out again. ‘You don’t know how it FEELS to be Black.’

You’re right. I’m White. But I know what it FEELS like to be dissed. I grew up overweight in chic L.A. I was the butt of fat jokes through elementary and middle school. I never got asked out on a date until I dropped the weight in my senior year of high school. And while I am now in “good shape,” I will go to my grave feeling fat. I will never fit in to the world where thin is the only way to be “in.” And I know what it FEELS like living forever on the outside wishing to be in.

So what if you were fat, you say. You lost the weight. Skinny or fat, I can’t stop being Asian, or gay.

And I am a woman. I know what it FEELS like being judged as lesser than because I am not a man. I know how it FEELS to be making two-thirds the salary of the guy next to me doing the exact same job. My first job out of college as an art director for a major jewelry manufacturer, the CEO of the company came into my first big meeting and grabbed my breast instead of my outstretched hand. He squeezed my tit like it was an orange and said, “Nice!” I know how it FEELS to be objectified for my body alone.

Being disrespected makes me FEEL valueless, ashamed, awkward, angry, mystified, enraged, scared, small, sad. And all these negative feelings manifest inside each of us when we are dissed. The fact is, Black, White, Fat or not, we’ve all experienced each of these feelings independently, or simultaneously, regardless if we are consciously aware of them. Each of us may react to our feelings differently, but most all of us are intimate with feeling dissed.

Most of us are also intimate with feeling happy, engaged [in a pleasing activity], safe, content in moments. Our reasons for feeling these things may vary, though not as much as you think. The love of a parent, guardian or friend; the comfort of a safe home; full bellies from tasty food makes most of us FEEL good. The intensity of our feelings varies wildly from person to person. Some enjoy positive feelings far more often than others born with internal angst, or into external misfortune. But the feelings of HAPPY and SAD, GOOD and BAD, PROUD and ASHAMED, EMPOWERED and DISSED are common to all of us.

Being alive means FEELING. The enormous, complex range of feelings we get to experience, both body and mind, is exclusively Human. The capacity of our brain power is what separates us from every other living creature on this planet. And while we all have different experiences, feeling the same things provides a natural bridge to unite us, a window for empathy, even camaraderie through our shared feelings.

We are all born racists. You, me, all humans are born with an innate fear of THE OTHER. Once again, we are standing on the precipice of change, Racism and Sexism the topics de jour. Perhaps this time, we will get off the politically correct train, admit we are all racists and choose to fight our innate fear of THE OTHER. We’ll acknowledge the benefits of integration and globalization as an opportunity to learn from the best of each other. We’ll not only believe in, but practice equal rights.

Stand up, or take a knee, but SPEAK OUT against hate, and educate the ignorant that there really are no substantive differences between us — not color, not culture, not gender or age, not religious or sexual preference, because all human beings FEEL the same things.

How do U FEEL right now?

The Purpose of Life

by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

What is Your Purpose in Living?

Christians and Muslims (actual believers, not in name only because they celebrate Christmas or Eid al-Fitr) believe the purpose of living is to serve and reflect their God’s will to ensure their assent to heaven after death.

Jews focus on the present rather than an afterlife. They believe humans should partner with their God in completing, repairing, and perfecting His creation.

Buddhists have no God. They want to wipe out greed, hate, mental anguish caused by desire, attachment, and ignorance to reach Nirvana (not the band ;-})—where the mind achieves clarity and peace. Rebirth is extinguished for the enlightened (those who achieved Nirvana), like a flame going out.

Hindus have Brahman, their Supreme God that takes many godlike forms. Their purpose in life is much like Buddhists—to reach Moksha (spiritual liberation), the end of reincarnation. They are unique in that they give no rigid purpose to living, but provide a moral, ethical framework for living a meaningful life and achieving Moksha.

I am an atheist, so I, alone, must determine my purpose in being alive. While I’m not a Nihilist, I agree there is no inherent, or dictated [by a god] meaning or purpose to life. My mother and father created me, as did theirs before them and so on, back to the earliest humans. All life here emerged through entropy, not born of some cosmic energy carving morality in stone or assigning us purpose.

Since I believe no god or mystical force gives me purpose, I’m free to create my own. I was lucky to be raised by Jews in name only—celebrating Hanukkah and went to temple on Yom Kipper, though in discussions driving home learned neither my mom or dad believed in Bible ‘fables,’ or a god. With no Grand Plan, like most of us I still needed one, something to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. I, too, require some sense of purpose in living, and a reason to stay alive through dark times.

My mother was a devout social advocate. We spent many holidays feeding homeless, or handing out relief supplies to wildfire victims my formative years. She raised me with the foundation that all of us can make time to help others with less, especially those who have what they need. My father was a dreamer, and a philosopher at heart. His dominant side was a narcissist though—theory was fun to ponder, but getting to the best of us required his exclusive wisdom and guidance.

My old life’s purpose is partly a product of my parentage. My father believed a woman’s purpose—all women, in fact—is to reproduce. My mother was certain that raising kids would be the richest, most rewarding part of my life (and indeed they have been!). Having children, with mom as their primary caretaker, was the only consistent messaging my folks agreed on, (and society at large in the 1970s), so finding a mate and creating a family became my primary focus.

Since childhood, the life’s purpose I conjured was to raise kids better then me—kinder, more creative, emotionally intelligent, more aware of and caring for the world beyond theirs. I was sure that if each generation invested their TIME and energy into raising their children, gen over gen would become smarter, more innovative, more collaborative, and humans could reach our creative, compassionate potential.

I was that stupid.

Parenting is an art, not a science. Being there for your kids means way different things for different people. Both my husband and I worked full-time throughout their childhood, though my consulting career in marketing took a back seat to parenting, which basically killed it. (Running your own gig is like nurturing children—requires focused time and effort.)

By my kid’s measure, I’ve been present, available, attentive to my kids since their births, my focus on them, their needs first. I was lucky our combined income and investments allowed me to do so. Many parents can not, or choose not to make their progeny their highest priority while pursuing their own greatness. They raise latch-key kids who must fend for themselves for the most part while both parents work. With no safe harbor, children grow up afraid, resentful, angry.

My sister basically abandoned her kids to her nanny and our mother while she played tennis and traveled with her husband. And both her kids are angry, lost adults. Other parents are poor role models, instilling racism, blind faith, hate into their kids.

My life’s purpose before kids was clear, and simple really: to raise kind and productive people, and instill in them a desire to do the same. And so I have. But they are not one of many in a kinder, wiser, more empathetic gen, they are an anomaly. Regardless the safe harbor I provided my kids, they grew up lonely in a neighborhood where children were indoctrinated with religion from birth, often racist and mean-spirited, and focused on themselves and what they could get instead of give.

So much for my Utopian dream.

My kids are now adults, in their mid-20s finding their own purpose, creating their own lives. I have the time to indulge in the writing career I pivoted to when they were young. I have the time, but lately I seem to have lost the inclination to write anything beyond blogs. And if you read my essays, you’ll notice the tenor of my posts lately—I am completely and utterly lost, without purpose.

It’s not classic empty-nest syndrome because I worked while raising kids, so they weren’t my entire life, just my first priority. And I have many interests to pursue, from writing to mentoring to traveling, even becoming more intimate with my husband of 30 yrs. So why every morning when I wake up do I lay in bed for half and hour wondering what the hell I’ll do today, and even if I come up with something I’m wondering the point in doing it at all.

I can’t make humans kinder with my writing. No one can motivate or legislate anyone to care beyond themselves. The best I can do is entertain, and we’re already flooded with entertainment choices a lot less heady than mine, which is why I’m read by mostly intellectuals, engineers, math heads, professors—people who think more than just believe. While I’m grateful for my readers, I don’t have many and have a hard time getting them in a world that prefers mindless entertainment. And it isn’t fun for me writing meaningless crap. So daily, when I sit down at my desk and the cursor is blinking at me, I wonder what the point is in continuing to write.

I could go back to teaching entrepreneurs how to create sustainable startups, but a decade of doing so at Stanford and Cal Berkeley was a lesson in futility. Students want to build their ideas more then walk the tedious process of how to sell them. And most of their offerings were iterations on middle-men SaaS money grabs—drop-shipping on Amazon, or sites like Realtor or Robinhood, or yet another ‘AI-curated’ media site.

By my mother’s example, I was raised that our purpose in living was to serve—our family, our community, our planet. Most were taught, often by example, to serve themselves, which is why we have Instagram, corrupt CEOs, oligarchs, politicians, and ‘good people’ on their cellphone while driving causing 14% of fatal crashes in 2024. I grew up with a life’s purpose—to contribute to reaching humanity’s amazing potential—but I no longer believe in it.

What to do from here…

What Makes a Leader?

by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

The MILGRAM EXPERIMENT revealed some profound truths about all of us…

Shortly after WW2, Stanley Milgram, a Yale professor did what has come to be known as an ‘obedience’ experiment. (Trailer of docudrama:)

According to Milgram, while self-interest is part of our nature,  most of us are fundamentally FOLLOWERS. His famous study revealed it is common human behavior to listen without question to people who appear smart, successful, or seem like true believers. We follow our parents, friends, society at large. Influencers, like actors, podcasters, musicians; and authority figures like doctors, therapists, even politicians draw FOLLOWERS. We accept, even participate in bad medicine, injustice, inequity, intolerance, racism, sexism, sometimes murder and even slaughter of millions following the status quo.

Milgram was a Jew. He wanted to find out what motivated Germans to turn on neighbors. Why would 90% of German citizens allow the slaughter of children on the same soccer team as their kids? Or passively watch the displacement and murder of Jews they once shared meals, holidays, and birthday celebrations? Why would Germans agree, and even support genocide, rape, disembowelment while conscious, torture beyond any sense of sanity? Milgram wanted to know.

The MILGRAM EXPERIMENT, as it’s now called, revealed some striking and profound truths about all of us.

It PROVED that most humans are FOLLOWERS, highly obedient to authority figures and willing to harm others without reason besides being told to do so.

Humans are social creatures. We follow the flock, the crowd, influencers, salesmen, priests.

We FOLLOW because it’s easier than THINKING.

We blindly follow our parents’ beliefs in fantasies like God, or Jesus, with no proof either exist, or evidence that Christ was ever born. None whatsoever, though tax rolls have been found at Christ’s (ostensible) time, without mention of Mary, Joseph, or Jesus at all.

We adopt behavior that we don’t like — that’s not the best of us — with justifications like “everyone does it!” Engaged with your cellphone while driving today? Most who do don’t THINK they’re really increasing their odds of killing themselves or someone else by upwards of 25%.

Intoxicants, from drink to weed will not cure cancer. Alcohol is toxic for the body. Smoking weed is carcinogenic — cancer causing. And mental ‘health’ pharms are addictive and eat the crap out of your liver, among a host of other side effects. Hey, but everyone does them, right?

What Makes a Leader?

While Milgram’s experiment revealed most humans are FOLLOWERS, following a herd, whether family, friends, priests, or govts, SOME PEOPLE, a few outliers, do not. In fact, they lead the human flock.

Hitler did. Trump does. Oligarchs, like Musk, are LEADERS to many who live vicariously through them, or are delusional enough to believe they too can become a trillionaire. On the other side, Susan B. Anthony, FDR, MLK all moved this nation towards a more equitable country.

What does this diverse cast have in common? They became LEADERS because they offered identity, an enemy, reduced complexity to clarity, inspired and empowered at moments when people felt lost. They gave directionto the populas of FOLLOWERS when their govt and institutions failed them. And each of the aforementioned LEADERS reached the masses by mastering marketing through the dominant media of their era, from newsprint, to radio, to TV, to today’s digital communications.

Are you a FOLLOWER or LEADER? If you’re thinking: I’M A LEADER, you’re likely lying to yourself. Humans lie to ourselves (and others) a lot! Like following, lying is part of our nature.

WATCH the Milgram experiment. The odds are you’d be one of the 65% who tortured an unseen man with electric shocks to death, simply because someone politely asked you to do so. Not threatening, not aggressive. Just “Please continue,” was what the white-coated admin in the study told them. And the 65% claimed they were just ‘following directions’ that allowed them to deliver shocks to someone they didn’t know, that became more and more painful until they were lethal.

Milgram’s study proves most people would rather follow—listen, even to bad advice, than lead—THINK for themselves. We’re looking for guidance, direction, belief outside ourselves. And while this fact of our nature may seem a death sentence, there are still 35% of the participants in the study that walked away when the admin dressed as a doctor said, “Please continue,” to torture an unseen person in the room next door with electric shocks. In fact, many told the guy, as the admin was always a man, to fuck off when he demanded they “Please continue, per your agreement,” as they were leaving.

The Milgram Experiment gives us a window into our own psyche by proving humans are generally FOLLOWERS. Armed with this knowledge, we can THINK, examine, recognize when we’re blindly going along with the flock. And we can choose not to.

Emotional Intelligence

by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

Do you FEEL before you THINK?
Or do your THOUGHTS generate your FEELINGS?

Psychology is split on this. Old world believed it was THOUGHT first, i.e. behavioral/cognitive therapy. New world has finally come around to what seems to me so blatantly obvious:

The Human Psyche:
FEELINGS lead to THOUGHTS, and THOUGHTS lead to ACTIONS.

Human beings are FEELING creatures FIRST and foremost. Being ALIVE means FEELING, even if just in the physical realm — feeling healthy, sick, in pain, tired, hungry, full, cold, hot…etc.

Infants don’t ‘think.’ New parents like to pretend they do, anthropomorphize their babies by projecting all kinds of genius behavior from their infant. But after raising two kids and caring for many of family and friends, the fact is they don’t really start to think until close to a year into living. They sure FEEL a lot though! Hungry. Cold. Scared. These feelings are so overwhelming that infants will cry, even wail until they’re fed. Warm. Comforted. Babies start to smile at 2–3 months in response to external cues, like someone smiling at them, or making cooing sounds. These smiles reflect the BASE FEELINGS of happy, content, sated, without a lot of thought behind these emotions. It takes infants between 6–9 months to laugh in response to games like peek-a-boo. Again, not a lot of thinking going on for that game.

THOUGHTS are constructed with words, language to express them, even to yourself inside your head. No language. No actual thoughts. Most infants are basically mute until almost a year old, and then the only words they express for months are simple monikers like ‘Mom. Dad. Dog.’ Not a lot of thought there either. Clearly. The neurological wiring of an infant’s brain isn’t connected enough to understand language, therefore they’re unable to form the complexities of ‘thought’ yet.

Everything ALIVE here FEELS the physical realm to varying degrees. Even foliage requires sustenance to live, and on the most rudimentary levels FEELS healthy, sick, hungry, thirsty…etc.

Extract the physical realm from FEELINGS, and we are left with EMOTIONS.

There are a few BASE emotions that connect all humans, but beyond us, it connects most mammals here. My dog feels the same BASE emotions I do. Sometimes Ellie’s sad. Happy. Scared. Excited. These are foundational emotions, generally from LEVEL1 through LEVEL3. But humans are the most complex brains on the planet (we know of). The more complex the brain, the more it seems to create additional layers—L3+—of EMOTIONS atop the foundational sets.

Hierarchy of Emotions:

L1 BASE Emotions:

  • Good (positive)
  • Bad (negative)

L2 BASE Emotions (common to us all—’roots’ of our emotional palette):

  • Good: Happy/Glad, Sated/Content, Excited
  • Bad: Scared, Sad, Hurt (Anger is L3, an emotional response to Hurt)

L3+ COMPLEX Emotions (atop L2):

Humans never really feel neutral. It may feel in any given moment we’re not feeling anything, but this is a missed perception. Most of us go through our days unaware of how we are FEELING except in exceptional or volatile situations where emotions typically ‘run high,’ like a celebration, or the end of a relationship.

Absorbed in your work means you are engaged, interested, maybe even passionate about it, all ‘good’ feelings. Conscious or not, you are never feeling nothing at all.

Getting down to how we really FEEL takes work because humans lie to ourselves, and subsequently others. Our complex brains weave all kinds of fantasies to make ourselves feel smarter, talented, capable, valuable, in control of ourselves and our destinies.

To control our ACTIONS, it is essential to understand your actual, true EMOTIONS first, and then with THOUGHT (language) define the reasons for what you’re FEELING.

FEELINGS spark THOUGHTS which ignite ACTIONS/Behavior.

Most of us go through life never really understanding that our emotions, i.e. our FEELINGS (not our thoughts) are controlling our daily decisions.

Do you consistently drink too much? Eat too much? Do whatever too much, so much that it’s hurting more than helping you? You’ve tried to stop or modify your behavior, but you keep going back to destructive habits.

To change any of your behavior, you first must understand the FEELINGS that are motivating the THOUGHTS that are generating the ACTION that is preventing you from becoming who you want to be. The only way you’ll never repeat a destructive behavior/action is to let yourself FEEL [and remember] that sticky, grotesque, choking, powerfully negative emotion of shame. Avoid the action, avoid the feeling.

Being ALIVE means FEELING, so at any given moment, like NOW, ask yourself: What am I FEELING right now? Good? Bad? Happy? Sad? After defining the FEELINGS — L1-L3 and beyond — now THINK about what is generating them. The more in touch with your FEELINGS/EMOTIONS you become, the better you’ll be able to THINK about what you need and why, then put those THOUGHTS into productive ACTIONS to live the life you choose.