Have a “Great Romantic Read!” instead:
https://amazon.com/MARRIAGE-FABLE-Finnegus-Lessons-Djinn-Andrew-ebook/dp/B0BM46CKFS
Tag: parenting
Engage in Learning About People
Marketing 101: How to motivate people to DO what you want them to do…
An entrepreneur recently asked me: “What specific skills or knowledge do you believe will be most crucial for aspiring entrepreneurs in 2025 to navigate this complex and dynamic environment?”
My response: “The greater understanding one has of what motivates people, individually and in groups, the greater chance of success in any field. The trick — how to open yourself up beyond just yourself to become aware of those around you.”
Most of us live inside our own heads, thinking about whatever, but rarely watching others closely. Time to step outside your own head, and think differently. To become proficient at marketing, you must watch what people DO to understand what attracts our attention and motivates us to ACT — buy; try; subscribe; give.
All of us engage in marketing every day of our lives. We market to ourselves to exercise, eat right, take care of business when we really would rather be binging Netflix. We market to our kids to get good grades, clean their rooms, make friends IRL, not just on their devices. We market to our partners to be fair and equitable. We market to potential bosses for a job, or actual bosses or clients to sell them on our efforts.
I teach Lean Startup Marketing @Stanford. I also mentor startup teams and individual entrepreneurs with an idea they want to license or build into a sustainable business. Below is one of the first Challenges I give my students to help them become proficient at marketing — i.e. motivating people to do what we want them to do.
CHALLENGE #3
1. For ONE WEEK, seven full days, observe and journal about the people you see (at work, at home, at Starbucks). Watch what we actually do, (not what we say we will), and write down what you observe, into your laptop, onto your phone, or actual pieces of paper.
• Keep each observations under 100 words (preferably less). Observe and journal only scenes to which you play no part. You must be an impartial observer of what you choose to describe.
• Create separate documents per day with [at least] five observations of any individual’s behavior, or of two or more people interacting. Observations can be people at school, work, or someone at a cafe, but you must not have any interaction within the scenes you observe and document.
• OBSERVE CAREFULLY, and write down only what you see and hear. Do NOT add or embellish anything you see when documenting your observations. Do NOT judge, or give your opinion on what you see. Simply transcribe each event as they unfold.
Choose to document scenes of interest. Do NOT describe someone passing you on the sidewalk staring at their cellphone like everyone else you pass by. NOTICE the subtleties, if they exist. What are they doing on their phone (if you can see)? Three out of the five cellphone screens that I could see at Back-to-School night at my kids high school, the people — mostly women, mid 30s to late 50s, White and Asian, upper-income — were checking their email, or Facebook feed, or playing some inane online game like Candy Crush.
Pay close attention to your subject’s mannerisms, how they talk — expressive, with a lot of hand gestures? Low key, quietly leaning in to whomever they are speaking? You may see an extreme expression like a frown, or a broad smile or outright laughter, but try NOT to interpret an expression as “they looked bored,” or “happy,” or any other judgment call. Do NOT give any interpretation of what you see. Write only what you observe and hear watching any individual, couple, or group of people.
2. Log Demographic, Geographic, Psychological, and Behavioral data:
• Title each entry with the DATE, TIME and LOCATION of each observation.
• Start your observation with gender, age (approx.), race, and other obvious demographic data, like someone wearing a religious symbol, we can assume they follow that particular religion.
• Note mannerisms and behavior. Does your subject look away when someone looks at them? Do they boldly stare back? Solicit conversation with someone close by, or are so absorbed in their cellphone they hold up the line at your cafe?
• Note purchases at shops in the mall, or at the grocery store when you’re waiting in the checkout line. What is being purchased, in what sizes (small or large), in what quantity, by whom?
Example: I’m in Nordstrom’s, watching a 20-something, slender Black woman in a tan blouse tucked into a straight, knee-length navy blue skirt, try on six pairs of shoes. She finally purchases a pair that look just like the black pumps she wore into the store.
—
You likely have not gone a day in your life without marketing to yourself or someone else. Even screaming during infancy is essentially marketing to a parent or guardian to take care of your needs.
At the foundation of marketing — figuring out what really motivates ourselves and others — is Psychology. And the human psyche is massively complex. We lie. ALL of us lie — to ourselves and everyone else — to look smart, capable. To feel good about our choices and behavior regardless how counter-productive, or flat our destructive it may be.
Potential and intent are worthless constructs, marketing we tell ourselves and tout about others. (He is so smart!). To understand what really motivates people, you must observe our behavior and actions.
Want to get that job, get your husband to do the dishes, convince your kids to study? Sell your baked goods or software service (SaaS)? Take CHALLENGE #3 to learn how to get this person (even yourself), or that group to DO what you want them to do.
What Makes a Great Man
Men are the freight train comin’ at ya.
Women are the poison in your food…
I’m a guy’s girl, meaning I’ve spent most of my life hanging out with men instead of women. The freight train comin’ at ya, I prefer men’s straightforward nature, their directness, their unwavering, solution-oriented trajectory. Men are simpler than women. Not less intelligent, just not so round-about, from behind, underneath.
Women, by contrast, are the poison in our food. Eons of subjugation have forced us to become puppet-masters to get what we want/need for ourselves and our children. Not a judgment call, simply a fact that until very recently might was necessary for our species survival, putting men firmly on top of the human hierarchy. Greater muscle mass to kill mastodons gave men the ability to take what they wanted, including sex. From our beginnings, men have assumed they controlled the household with superior strength.
Notice I said, “men assumed they controlled the household.” Well, you know what happens when you ass(of)u(and)me…;-}
Seriously though, probably pretty early on, like cavemen times, women figured out how to get men to do what we want using our wit and wiles. Genetic transfer of memory over thousands of generations of women passing on how to be manipulative eventually became woven into the DNA and imprinted on our XX chromosomes.
Regardless of why women became… complex, the fact that we are scares me about us. Women don’t only manipulate men. Quite often our children, sometimes even our friends, and all too often ourselves. I’d much rather face a freight train because if I’m paying attention, I can get off the tracks before getting slammed. Hence, why I’m a guy’s girl.
Men have historically subjugated women simply because they could. A mere six generations ago, women were not allowed to own their own property or keep their own wages. The only way to keep her family fed and a roof over their heads was to placate to a man. Until as recently as the 1970s, women could not get a mortgage loan without a co-signature from a man. And even today, stats from Dept. of Labor for 2023 show women still make 83% of a man for the exact same job.
Times truly are changing, though. Want a mastodon? Buy one on Amazon. Men’s physical prowess is unnecessary in today’s world. Upwards of 60% more women graduate college then men today. Most educated women pursue a career path and can pay their own way through life now, even if we still typically make less then men. Most of us don’t need a man’s financial support to survive or even thrive. Technology — from the Pill to the PC — has made it possible for women to control our own destinies, and function equally alongside men in most of today’s business environments. The few jobs still requiring brute strength are being replaced by robots.
Men are losing their position atop the social order with every advance of technology, and every law enforcing equal rights. And falling off the tip top position of authority hurts. I get that. It’s why more men voted for Trump than women, by a lot. The new pres elect promised to MAKE MEN GREAT AGAIN, but this is a lie, like most everything else out of the man/child’s mouth.
- Great men don’t need to subjugate anyone. They value input and recognize insights from their spouses and colleagues to their children.
- Great men don’t need to be ‘right’ all the time. They respect other’s POV, often learn from them and alter their position.
- Great men think with their brains, not their ‘little heads.’
- Great men are humble, remorseful when they screw up. They don’t blame the people they’ve hurt when made aware. They apologize and try not to repeat the hurtful behavior.
- Great men know how to listen. Hear. Remember and learn from what is said and discussed.
- Great men can disagree without rancor or hateful rhetoric. They’ve no need to put down their wives, their colleagues, or their children’s behavior or POV.
- Great men don’t make their career/job, watching sports, doing hobbies, or fulfilling personal desires more important than anything else in their life.
- Great men are connected outside themselves. They consider the lives they touch and care about the radiating effects of their actions before taking any.
- Great men do not need to be served but take pleasure in serving others.
- Great men are aware of their own emotions. They understand what they are feeling in real time and express their feelings instead of brooding with silent contempt.
- Great men are not afraid of looking vulnerable or asking for help.
- Great men truly care about the world around them. Not just in words but deeds — volunteering, teaching, giving, sharing, investing their time in not just personal pursuits but helpful and kind actions.
- Great men are empathetic. Compassionate. Kindness is the foundation of what motivates most of their behavior towards others.
All of the bullet points above (and many more not listed) are also what makes a Great Human Being.
I’ve been privileged to know a few great men in my life. I am free to express my thoughts and feelings to them without worrying they’re going to dismiss what I say, put me down, stonewall me, or try to silence me by derailing the dialog when they’re losing their position with my reasoning. Our relationships are of mutual respect. I never need or desire to play puppet master with them.
Playing the role of puppet-master is exhausting. Figuring out and then implementing the primers and triggers to motivate the behavior I want takes more energy than I care to invest. I prefer just TALKING and honestly expressing what I need, which is why I generally suck at puppeteering. And quite frankly, with so few great men, or women who aren’t honest with themselves or those they try and manipulate, it’s been a lonely life, always on the outside looking in on communication games I don’t care to play.
Gaming honest communication to get your way, get what you want, or ‘win’ a dispute is destructive in the extreme. Successful relationships — where both parties feel heard, respected, appreciated — from partners to parenting to friendships and colleagues require listening and caring about the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and preferences, and of course, understanding you can’t always get what you want, but both get what they need in equal measure. Only in doing so can each be a safe harbor for the other.
It really is time to eradicate from the human lexicon these ingrained antiquated gender roles and social positions that have been in place since the beginning of our existence.
It’s time for men to realize that to be a Great Man now requires more than brute strength or bringing in an income. Step down from the throne, shed the bravado and learn to build partnerships on a foundation of trust through mutual respect and compromise.
Women must come out from underneath, behind, quietly poisoning the well of honest communication with puppeteering. Instead of continuing to play puppet-master, stop accepting slights to avoid conflict. It only builds resentment. Boldly, honestly express how you feel and what you need. Don’t settle on being ignored, undervalued, invisible, constantly acquiescing to his desires over your own. Don’t manipulate. Communicate. Keep pushing the envelope of awareness, and know evolution takes millennium to change what has been since humanity began. We are all works in progress, and we must learn from one another to thrive together.
Believing is NOT Thinking
My father is a fervent Republican. My mother was a Democrat. I once saw him put his fist through the maple cabinet an inch from my mother’s head because her vote was going to cancel his in the second Reagan election. Though he never hit her, connected anyway, he often shouted, slammed things, threw things, even at me, when he encountered resistance (reason) when espousing his conservative views.
My father doesn’t believe Global Warming is real or caused by us in any way (absolving himself of conserving resources).
My father believes all non-believers — atheists and agnostics — are dangerous fools to be converted.
My father distrusts all Muslims.
My father believes in trickle-down economics, though it’s been proven again and again it makes the rich richer while wiping out the middle class.
My father doesn’t believe in gun control. “If they come for me, I’ll stop them at the door.” He quotes the NRA with fervor! “Take away what kind of guns we get to own, and you chip away at the foundation of the 2nd Amendment,” he preaches.
I remind him he can’t stop a tank with an AK-47. I implore him to examine history, and context, that the right to bear arms our forefathers were talking about were pistols and shotguns that took three minutes to load and didn’t fire straight or would blow up in your face. Automatic assault weapons were neither considered, nor anticipated when the 2nd Amendment was written.
He scoffs. As his daughter, and a woman, I am clueless.
As a mother of two amazing, spectacular children, I am horrified, not only by mass shootings on school campuses, but everywhere else, every time an assault weapon is used against our own because the NRA wants to stay rich. And our government officials, Republican senators in particular, ostensibly “by the people, for the people,” are paid off by gun lobbyists to let them.
I grew up in L.A., on the Valley side of the Hollywood Hills. I went to school with writers, producers, directors’ kids, all fairly to extremely liberal. My father was the outlier in our neighborhood and among my parents’ colleagues and friends. The Great Divide between the Republicans and Democrats, fueled by Reagan pushing religion, conservatism, then ignited by Bush Jr’s Christian administration, and then concertized in lies, ignorance, and hate by Trump, didn’t exist yet. My parents lived together in relative peace, except around election times.
We have become a polarized nation, and this serves no one here. On the personal level, it has divided me from my family. My siblings, like my father, are fervent Republicans. My sister, disgusted we’re raising our kids without religion, decided she’d had enough of my liberal leanings and checked out of our lives entirely, leaving our kids deeply hurt their aunt had abandoned them. My brother used to forward me emails from his Born-Again community that Obama was a Jew-hating Muslim who believed it’s okay to kill babies. During Trump’s reign, he spoke of the evil liberals who supported abortion and insisted the rights of a fetus eclipsed those of the mother. My brother’s ignorance is only eclipsed by his blind faith in his Christian leaders’ conservative rhetoric.
The chasm in our morality and our philosophies is so diametrically opposed at this point that the rare times I talk with my father our dialog quickly sours, then invariably turns contentious. I’ve told him time and again I won’t discuss politics with him, but he insists on little digs, like, “Do you care about your kids?” He has not spoken with our children, his grandkids, in 7 years, or acknowledged them in any way, not birthdays, no calls, ever, and virtually never inquirers about them when I call him, which I always do because he doesn’t call me.
Truth is, it’s getting harder and harder to call him. Almost two decades after my mom’s death, my father is undaunted by age or illness in his quest to spread conservative lies. He’s a true believer (as are most hard-core Republicans) because believing is easier than thinking. Being told what is right and wrong, good or bad, is simpler than considering the complexities of our behavior, and our obligations to each other and the world we inhabit.
My remaining family believes women should not have the right of choice with our own bodies.
My father and siblings believe gays should not have the legal, nor moral right to marry. They believe homosexuality is a mental illness.
My family espouses they believe in “less government” — preaching the Republican’s canonical tagline — but want to govern (restrict) women’s choice and limit our birth control resources; control who gets to marry; limit medical treatment to those who can afford care; allow corporations to buy politicians that allow the mass murder of our children and citizens for corporate profit. They’d prefer to believe the GOP rhetoric that Global Warming isn’t happening and support the ‘rights’ of Big Oil to drill and frack our planet to death, instead of investing in renewable energy for our kids, and the welfare of Earth forward.
I’ve been wondering when it’s time to say goodbye to family, even before they die. I’ve been grieving my sister’s departure from our lives since her exit 15 yrs ago. The little connection I retain with my brother and father seems… over. My kids have no relationship with either. We have virtually no common ground and share little time that doesn’t quickly turn combative. So really, what’s the point of trying to stay in touch? Harsh? You bet. Ugly? Yeah. I’m profoundly saddened that we’ve come to this impasse. Hurts. A lot, knowing almost half our nation feels as my family does. And I am mystified, disgusted, and shamed by their gullibility in choosing blind faith over thought and reason.
We are again on the precipice of our survival as one nation, but this time the war isn’t with rifles that blow up in our faces when shot at the ‘enemy.’ Now, we must recognize the enemy is ourselves — choosing ignorance over reason because it’s easier to binge-watch Netflix, peruse Instagram, or stream gameplay on Twitch than it is to think.
My daughter, a recent college grad, told me most of her friends off and online — this new round of young voters — will not be voting this election. They’re taking a stand, showing how they feel about our government, they claim, neglecting to understand without voting they are essentially voting in Trump. They say they’re disheartened by their choice between a great-grandfather and a misogynist (who they don’t say is just 3 yrs younger than Biden.) They focus on our current president’s age because their feeds on Insta, Facebook, Reddit [and their like] tell them to — flooded with GOP marketing to sway young voters Biden is too old for another term. They get their information from social media and blindly believe their feeds, not knowing, or even caring that what they are scrolling through is personally targeted at them, and designed to manipulate them to buy, try, subscribe, and believe in snake oil.
The chasm between us will continue to grow with more believers buying into the derisive rhetoric of their religious leaders, politicians, Google’s search results, and ‘personalized’ marketing on social platforms and apps. More families are finding themselves on opposite sides of an ideological divide that will likely tear them apart, like mine, unless we STOP believing and start thinking what is right, not only for ourselves and our family, but broader, more complex considerations that include finding and creating ways to help our neighbors, community, this country, and our planet thrive.
The Fallacy of Palestinian Protests
My daughter, a college senior, told me yesterday that she joined the Palestinian protest on campus.
“I believe that genocide is wrong, Mom. So, I stood up for what I believe.”
I think she expected me to be proud of her, but her words made my skin crawl. My daughter knows nothing of the history of either country. She has no idea why there is a war between Israel and Palestine now, how the war even started, or why Israel is bombing the Gaza Strip. In fact, she has no idea where the Gaza Strip is, or why it is there, or who their govt is.
I raised my kids to stand up and speak out when they encounter racism, sexism, ignorance, hate. I did not teach them to blithely go along with the crowd. That’s how Nazis came about.
Do you know that Hamas, the government of Gaza, launched an unprovoked attack on Israel, killed over 1,200 people, and kidnapped 253 in October of last year?
No.
And did you know Hamas was raping 12–48 yr old girls and women they kidnapped, then posting it online to terrorize victim’s loved ones?
I haven’t heard that. All I heard was Israel was bombing civilians in Palestine and killing mostly women and children.
Do you know that the government the Palestinian people voted in are using their women and children as cover for their terrorist shit, and that is why they were getting killed in Israeli bombings?
No. But it doesn’t make it right that Israel is killing kids.
No. It doesn’t. I didn’t say Israel is right. There is no right here, baby. Both sides are wrong. I’m not pro-Israel. They know that Hamas is sacrificing Palestinian children, yet instead of targeted strikes against Hamas, they are wielding an iron fist. Badly. Ugly. For sure. 100%.
So, what’s wrong with me joining the protest then, when even you don’t believe Israel is right? she asked me, exasperated.
My beautiful daughter, siding with one side or the other is divisive in the extreme. It perpetuates the problems there, and creates more here, between us. Call out bad behavior, like Israel knowingly killing civilians regardless of their reasons. Or Palestinians voting in a fanatical religious government with an agenda to kill all Israelis. Neither is right. Call out bad behavior, not an entire nation. Do not get on the PC train because your friends are and you wanta fit in. Do the research before taking a stand. Blind faith means turning off your brain. And that is never OK.
So you think I shouldn’t have joined the protest?
Do you know professional agitators are targeting campuses like yours to get all you kids riled up? And that most of these protests wouldn’t even be happening if not for the pro-agitators who are paid big bucks to get online and throw a protest.
I thought they were all student here. Who would pay someone to do that?
I don’t know. But right now I’m betting on the Republican party. They want to destabilize our nation because the more chaotic the better Trump’s chances of winning the election.
Seriously? she asked, aghast, as she feels like I do about our misogynist x-pres.
I don’t know, honey. What I do know is ninety-nine point nine nine nine…etc. percent of these college protesters have no clue about what is going on over there, just like you don’t. They catch news bites online, and the bloodier the bites the more eyeballs they get. The news just loves a great car crash!
Standing up for ONE SIDE when you don’t know the history, the region, the people, the conflicts that have been there since the UN decided Israel’s borders, the wars, how they started, or why they started is, well, ignorant. So you were out there with a bunch of ignorant students who are creating more conflict, more hate, more antisemitism with their protest. And it won’t change a thing because the universities will not cut all ties with Israel. Ever. Israel is a collaborative partner in research and development of medicine to tech, the primary function of any university. With all this in mind, do YOU think you should have been out there protesting?
The energy was so electric with all those people, Mom. It sure felt like we were doing something meaningful.
Promoting ignorance and hate is never meaningful, baby. Don’t just go along with the crowd and create more conflict like these protests do. Making a real difference takes work, honey. Lots of work, over a long time. Think, research, a LOT, since so much of the internet is lies. Then form your own opinion, and act to be part of the solution.
A Valentine’s Day Romance
Fantasy Romance
It’s almost Valentine’s Day. And A MARRIAGE FABLE is a 5-star FANTASY ROMANCE novella, “A poignant exploration of love that captivates from start to finish.”
#FantasyRomance #love #marriage #married #couples #marriagetheory #MFCC #match #tinder #onlinedating #bumble #NFL #lovestory #boyfriend #girlfriend #parenting #momlife
What Religion Are You?
When I say I’m an atheist, the very next question most people ask is: “Well, what were you raised? What were your parents?”
Human beings.
Somehow that answer isn’t good enough. They’re looking to place me in a spiritual box and lock me into a religion and all the stereotypes that go along with it.
All my life I’ve been told I’m a Jew — by my parents, by my relatives, by society at large, simply because my parents professed to be Jews. But if I don’t believe in god, or any supreme being, or even higher power; if entropy is what rules my universe, then am I still Jewish?
Jew’s believe in one god.
I believe in none.
Some would argue I am culturally Jewish, a product of my parentage. But it’s ludicrous I’m considered Jewish solely because my parents were (and technically just my mother need be, according to Jewish law). Let’s get one thing straight. Judaism is NOT a race. It is practiced globally, from members of our Supreme Court to jungle tribes in Africa that pray to one God with ancient Hebrew texts. The thread that holds them together is not racial, or even cultural, but spiritual — a belief system. There are no cultural similarities between the African tribes and our former or current Chief Justices. Take away the religious string and there’s really nothing left of their Judaism.
I adhere to no religion, don’t celebrate any religious holidays, and believe passing down to our children fantastical mythologies that promote intellectual laziness is dangerous at best. Growing up, my family celebrated the major Jewish holidays, though I never cared for the antiquated rituals and sexist roles we all played. Jewish parables were too often warped tales filled with praising their solipsistic god instead of people for their hard-earned achievements. I don’t like brisket, noodle koogle, or most deli foods. And as holidays go, the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving always meant the most to me culturally, and the food is far better.
If I’m culturally anything, it’s white, middle-class, American. Like most of us, I grew up with people of my socioeconomic status. I was raised in a relatively safe, suburban neighborhood — religiously, even racially diverse, but everyone made around the same amount of money. More fine grain, I’m culturally a native Californian. We have a whole other way of thinking out here than the rest of the world. Level of intelligence would be my third greatest cultural influence. I find I gravitate to thinkers — those who explore and question.
So how does this make me a Jew?
Liking bagels, or preferring salmon to ham, doesn’t define one culturally. Nor does espousing the virtues of education, or denouncing violence, or promoting empathy. These ideologies are widely held by most of our modern age. I’m not a Taoist because I believe in living a balanced life. And I’m not a Christian because I think Christ, or likely his myth, had a lot of charitable ideas.
What does it mean to say you are Jewish, or Christian, or Mormon, if you don’t embrace their belief system? If you were raised Christian and you didn’t believe in God, or Christ, would you still be considered a Christian? Hell, if you believed in God, but NOT Christ, could you still be a Christian?
What religion are you?
Most would respond with whatever religion we were raised. We practice the rituals our parents bestowed upon us. But the more important question is: What do you believe?
Think about it.
Have you let your parents define your spirituality? Beyond what you’ve been raised, have you considered what religious ideologies you actually believe in, if any? ‘Be kind. Work hard. Love your family and neighbors.’ These cultural beliefs began 200,000 years ago when we were still living in caves, and aren’t exclusive to any particular religion. They may have been adopted as Christian, or Jewish morality, but the truth is ‘Be kind’ stemmed from our need to be social. Humans are social creatures, and greedy, ungrateful, thoughtless behavior does not win friends, or attract lovers.
Omitting how you were raised, what do YOU actually believe in?
If you don’t believe the bible stories, Old or New Testament, are real — a recounting of historic events — then it’s likely you understand these books were written by literate MEN — the highest echelon of society at the time — to control the masses of illiterate layman with parables that instilled fear. You also likely know that these powerful men imposed rules and roles to maintain the social structure they created, and assigned the administration of this order to an almighty [jealous and vengeful (Nahum 1:2–8)] God whose authority could not (as an ethereal being), and must not be questioned. If you do not believe in this God, or that his adventures in these bibles are real, then you are likely an agnostic or an atheist.
ag·nos·tic (a la Google); noun
- a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.
a·the·ist (a la Google); noun
- a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.
You don’t have to subscribe to a religion to be spiritual. You can feel connected to this earth and all that’s here without being a Buddhist. You can believe in charity without being a Christian. You can encourage education without being Jewish. You don’t have to pass on horrific tales to frighten children into adhering to rules handed down from men on high thousands of years ago. You can practice and teach values — choose to live a moral life: be kind, generous, honest, empathetic, loving, compassionate, without religion. Why would you choose to do so without a vengeful God threatening Hell if you’re ‘bad?’ You are advanced enough to understand each of us must continually contribute to humanity, and this planet we inhabit, for our race to survive, and thrive.
Married? Wish He Was…Better?
A modern twist on a Christmas Carol, A MARRIAGE FABLE is a novella, another tall tale of the powerful genie, Finnegus Boggs, and his lessons on love that inspires Andrew Wyman, a typical modern-day husband nearing his 25th wedding anniversary, to become a better man.
New #Review:
Journey Toward Enlightenment
If you’re a fan of magical realism like I am, you will enjoy reading this mystical story. A quick read with plenty of drama kept me engaged. It’s a story filled with equal parts regret and redemption. It always feels good when a narcissist jerk gets a taste of his own medicine, and feels even better when this self-absorbed deplorable gets a chance to be a better man. Will he accept this new choice? I’ll never tell. Ask the genie. Do yourself a favor and read this well-written story and find out if there is hope for “this day and every day forward.”
–Ingrid Hart
– BJ Fera—Goodreads
The Folly of Perception
I’ve been on the outside looking in since I was a little kid. Failing to assimilate, I worked at cultivating unique and different. After achieving this coveted perception, I no longer wish to possess it.
Unique often translates into strange. And as the mother of a 10 and an 8 year old, I do not want to be perceived as strange or different. I want to blend like homogenized milk and give my kids the platform to fit in, be a part of. What I don’t want is for either of my children to be “that kid with the weird mom,” though I fear I may already be there.
My kids still hold my hand, and not just in parking lots or crossing the street. They both still love to snuggle. I am their first choice to talk to, confide in, way beyond their dad, which makes me feel valued, respected and deeply humbled all at the same time. I realize this level of intimacy probably won’t [and perhaps shouldn’t] last as they grow and find their own path, but I don’t want my kids to ever be ashamed of me. I want to be proud of them. I want them to be proud of me.
I try to fit in. I go to the soccer games and the ballet classes and I wait around with the other parents and try to blend. But I don’t. And I get that they notice I don’t. I look different. I’m one of the oldest among them, by a good margin. My kids came late, after six pregnancy losses. I dress for comfort so most everything I have is rather loose. I don’t wear make-up. My hair is long and fine and all over the place. It refuses to stay pulled back in the scrunchy. I never quite look ‘put together.’
But looks aren’t the only thing that separates me.
Through the years I’ve come to realize that I don’t think like most people. The glass wall between me and most of humanity is not just me being paranoid. There is a casualness the parents seem to have with one another as they discuss their kids, or some celebrity or popular new show. I stand there and nod my head when it seems appropriate, but I don’t watch much TV, and really don’t care that Tyler is playing basketball now which conflicts with his sister’s dance schedule.
I’ve tried engaging more personally, ask about jobs, interests outside of family, broached news and current events, but taking a position and endeavoring to discuss it has mostly been met with polite blank stares. Everyone is careful with their words—politically correct and upbeat. I’m neither, and over the years I’ve learned to shut up to avoid discord. The conversations usually segue back to their kids and related activities around family, school, church, which as atheists we don’t attend. I invariably check out of the exchange and focus on the event at hand and cheering on my children.
The game or recital ends but everyone stays and continues talking. I’m on the outside again, feels like I’m lurking while I linger to give my kids time to play. I stand there watching them all integrate, proud of my children for choosing to, and of myself for giving them the opportunity when I’d rather just leave. I watch the parents gaily chat and wish I fit in like that. The folly of unique and different is it’s really quite lonely out here.
Learning How to Learn
My daughter is studying for her SAT—her college admissions test. I never took the SAT because I got a D in algebra, twice. To advance to geometry, I took the same class again, from the same teacher that didn’t explain anything the first time. I didn’t get the concepts behind the equations, or Mr Mulvaney’s assertion that “it’s just the way it is.” Even algebra has a reason for why it works the way it does.
I didn’t take the SAT because I was afraid I’d fail it with no math background. In fact, every time I even thought of math, I felt anxious. I was a failure, stupid that I didn’t get quadratic equations, as most of my classmates seemed to. I couldn’t apply to a California university, or any four year college worth attending without taking the SAT. Instead, I attended Jr College for two years before transferring to UCLA. I studiously avoided math classes, as they were not required for a degree in Design.
Fast forward 5 years, and I wanted to apply to graduate school to study Education. Not only did I have to take the GRE, which had advanced math, but before registering for the test, I had to have teaching experience, in a real classroom, which required I pass the CBEST, which also had algebra and geometry. Panic. How was I supposed to pass any standardized test when I never passed algebra, and never learned the higher levels of math that was sure to be on these tests?
Enter my friend, Bert. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll teach you algebra, and geometry, and any other basic math you need. You’ll pass the tests.”
He had to be kidding. “I failed algebra twice! I’ll never be able to learn all the math I need to pass these tests.”
“Don’t be absurd. You are one of the smartest people I know. Of course you can learn algebra.”
The familiar terror was choking. Did he not hear me? “I FAILED IT TWICE, and never advanced to geometry. I suck at math!”
“Not likely,” he said with confidence. “More likely, you got turned off of it by some careless teacher, and the gates in your brain shut down. All you need to do is get out of your own way. Open your brain back up, so you can learn what you need to know.”
“I’m an artist, a qualitative person, not quantitative. I’m just not into math.” I was trying not to kill his delusion that I was smart.
“But you need to know it to pass these tests to get into a graduate program. So suck it up, let go of your fear, and get it done.” Bert was already in graduate school, studying for his doctorate in Psychology. “You have some worthy goals. Make them happen. I’ll help you.”
I didn’t want his help. I didn’t want to learn math, or, more likely not learn math, prove to him, and myself, how stupid I really was. He was being so kind it was impossible to keep defending myself. But I still did not believe him. “Maybe I’m just not smart enough for advanced math.”
“Hmm,” he said, staring at me intently. “Remember the show Get Smart?”
Ok…“Yeah.”
“Remember the opening? Max enters that hallway with the thick metal doors that slide open one by one as he approaches them. And each slams shut behind him as he walks down the hall?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that’s what your brain is doing when you think of math. The doors, or gates to learning are shutting down in your head. You are so freaked out because some lazy teacher made you feel stupid, and you bought it, hook, line and sinker. Stop it! You’ll make a great teacher, or professor, or whatever you want to do with education. Learn math, and move forward.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“But it is. You just have to open the gates in your brain that make it possible to learn, well, anything.” He smiled. I did too, couldn’t help it. With his words, he’d just introduced hope.
We were having this dialog at Jerry’s Deli, in L.A. Bert took the pen the waiter left to sign for our bill, and on an unused napkin wrote out a quadratic equation. I frowned, felt anxious. Here we go. Now he’ll see how stupid I really am.
“I can see by your face, you’re already freaking out.” He laughed. I scoffed. “This is good!” He was clearly excited. I felt pissed off, embarrassed. “Let’s explore that feeling. Talk to me about it, what does it feel like?”
“I feel scared, and stupid.”
“That’s your first two gates. Big, thick, metal doors shutting you out of learning. So, let’s start with feeling stupid, because that’s likely why you’re feeling scared, that I’ll see you, or you’ll see yourself, as stupid.”
“OK…”
“Do you think you’re stupid?”
“With math!”
“Our brains don’t work that way. You can’t just be stupid in one area. Either you have a functioning brain, or you don’t. Most of us have functioning brains. Are you telling me you don’t believe you do?”
I thought about that. Of course I have a functioning brain. I graduated college. I got good grades, even in high school, except for math. “I have an OK brain, I guess.”
He laughed. “So, there goes your first gate. Poof! It’s gone. It was bullshit anyway. Good riddance.”
I smiled, but fear and doubt still lingered.
“Here’s the deal,” he continued. “Every time you think of math, or we work on equations, notice how you feel. Pay attention to how your brain is operating. Examine the messaging it’s feeding you, and the bullshit it’s telling you. Qualitatively break it down to check if it’s right. Every time your brain says, ‘I can’t do this. I’m not smart enough,’ call BULLSHIT. Counter the voices of doubt. YES, I AM SMART ENOUGH! Then go back to the problem and work at figuring it out.” He took a sip of his tea. “Work at it long enough, and hard enough, and you will.”
‘The gates in my brain’… I could literally feel them all of a sudden. Bert was right. Every time I even thought of math the gates in my brain shut. And not only with math. Every single time I found it hard to learn something, anything, I now could see it was me, getting in my own way, allowing my brain to convince me of bullshit. All I had to do was examine my own feelings more carefully, embrace the ones that supported my success, and reject those that didn’t.
I studied algebra and geometry in a three week refresher course offered through the CBEST testing program. I passed the test, and subsequently my GRE, and though I never followed through with my graduate degree in Education, as having kids and writing became my priority, I teach at some of the top universities on the planet.
The best bit, I now know how to prevent the gates in my brain from shutting. As long as I identify my fear, face it, dispel it with reason, I can keep my brain receptive to learning. And with enough hard work, I can learn, well, just about anything.
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