jcafesin

The Butterfly Effect

February 19, 2026February 19, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

My husband caught his married CEO kissing an employee, setting the Butterfly Effect in motion…

“I’m screwed,” my husband said, calling me from his job at a well-known Silicon Valley startup.

He’d entered the stairwell and saw the married CEO of his company sucking face with an employee. He had a right to be upset. The CEO is putting the company, its pre-IPO stock value, and its almost 300 employees at risk by displaying his extra-marital affair publicly. His sloppy behavior can not only get him fired, but eventually, lead to the demise of the company with scandalous press chasing away customers and business associates alike. And, of course, there are his two kids and a wife at home who will suffer, possibly lifetime scars from his sexual indiscretions.

When a butterfly flaps its wings in Central Park, it does NOT cause a typhoon in India. But the Butterfly Effect is very real, and very personal, for all of us.

The CEO sucking face with his employee saw my husband in the stairwell. He called my DH into his office later that day and made excuses that he was “just comforting” his graphic designer who [ostensibly] was grieving the death of her dog. Sure. Originally hired by the CEO, my husband had never had any issues working with the man until that day in the stairwell. After that day, the CEO was his new micro-manager, and my husband, tired of the bullshit, left the company a month later.

We all engage in the Butterfly Effect in one way or another. When my DH and I fight, I’m more apt to yell at our kids, causing them to snipe at each other. Continual fighting over time may result in fierce sibling rivalry. Instead of becoming balanced, socially aware adults, they grow up defensive and afraid, and become CEOs and Presidents who seek physical contact over emotional intimacy to combat their gnawing loneliness.

The Butterfly Effect is an unalterable phenomenon of the human condition, but that doesn’t mean we must be doomed by it. Our ability to perceive the future, and then adapt our behavior in response is also uniquely human, and dramatically separates us from every other life form on this planet, and one of our greatest strengths.

Monica Lewinsky sucked Pres. Clinton’s cock, getting George W. Bush elected, which led to the 2008 financial meltdown with the Republican’s anti-regulation policies. The real estate recession of 2009 left not only millions of people without any retirement, but my father without enough money to care for himself, compelling us to use our savings to help him. This investment into my father’s care comes out of our kids’ college funds and will most likely affect them down the line.

Had President Clinton been thinking with his brain instead of his little head, or Ms. Lewinsky had stopped to consider the possible ramifications of Bill Clinton’s solicitation, perhaps either would have made a better choice. (Why do I sight Monica? Those who cheat are culpable for their actions, but those who are party to cheating are equally culpable.)

Like a gun sitting on a table, the Butterfly Effect is neutral. Awareness that no man, or woman, is an island is the key to directing the Butterfly Effect to consistently positive outcomes. Every day we touch the lives of others, whether we’re at home, on the internet, at work, or shopping at Target. Holding a door open, giving a compliment, or showing appreciation for service rendered can make someone’s day a bit better. Taking our face out of our cellphone and acknowledging those around us, even a quick nod helps make others feel seen (momentarily valued).

Every one of us touches the lives of others— our environment locally, even globally. Social media that destroys teen users’ self-image, to the consumption of our planet’s resources, the Butterfly Effect is often felt around the world. Choosing a Prius over an SUV or RV means cleaner air for everyone, and less demand for fossil fuel. Picking the appropriate sexual partners (avoiding affairs); helping a neighbor in need, standing up against hate and for equal rights improves all our lives collectively.

“With every action there is a reaction,” Newton’s Third Law of Motion. Be acutely aware of others, and the cascading Butterfly Effect with any actions you take.* And it may just be the lives you touch in your hometown today will indeed lead to the cure for cancer from someone on the other side of the world tomorrow.

—

*No action is a passive/aggressive ‘action.’ You create ill will when ghosting or ignoring others.

Why Do You Write?

February 18, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

Ray Bradbury reminded me why I write…

I sat on the floor in the back of a bookstore in old-town Pasadena perusing the selections. It was Saturday, late afternoon, another sunny day in L.A. I didn’t notice the store owners hustling everyone out the door and they didn’t see me in the back on the floor. After a while, I picked a book I liked, got up, and went to pay for it. The store was empty except for an old man sitting at a large desk awkwardly placed in the center of the main aisle. It blocked my way to the checkout so it was impossible to ignore him.

I greeted him with a quick ‘Hi,’ and smiled as I wriggled around the desk. He smiled back and asked me if I could get him a glass of water before the signing. I told him I didn’t work at the store. Then he asked me what I was still doing there. Buying a book, I told him. He took the book out of my hand and read the title, looked at me, and smiled. This is good, he assured me and handed the book back but kept staring at me with this funny grin on his face, like he had a secret.

He looked familiar but I couldn’t place him. There was a tall stack of books on the desk next to him. The Martian Chronicles, one of my all-time favorites. Then I noticed the sign on the easel in front of the desk. Ray Bradbury Live! Today at 5:00.

I blushed. He smiled with my acknowledgment. Ray Bradbury was one of my few idols and he was sitting in front of me. I was speechless at first, which is rare for me. The man was what I aspired to be, a great writer. I picked up one of the ‘special addition’ hardcover books on the desk and held it up. This is really good, too, I assured him. He laughed. In the five years I’d been seriously writing I knew nothing I’d written touched his talent.

And then I got sad.

I felt the tears come. I couldn’t stop them. I smiled at him, put his book back in the stack, and turned away, started to walk to the checkout but he stopped me. He asked me what was up but I told him he couldn’t possibly understand, knowing who he was, what he was, and what I was not. Try me, he insisted.

So I did. I explained that I wrote too, but didn’t label myself a writer. Though it was easy for me to recognize talent when I read it, it was impossible for me to see it in my own work. Every time I put word to paper I questioned if it was any good.

Surprisingly, he laughed. Then he told me that he too had the same question running through his head with everything he wrote. More often than not when he read his own work he thought it was crap.

I was astonished. The man was a renowned novelist. How could he still question if he was any good? I had assumed once my work was recognized the uncertainty would never plague me again. The idea that I would have to battle my self-effacing ego the rest of my life, published or not was appalling, and I told him so.

His expression softened and he shook his head. Then he asked me why I write.

I’d never really considered the question before. I’d been writing for as long as I could remember, diaries and journals when I was younger, then stories and eventually novels. I assumed that once I got good enough someone would publish me and I could quit my day job and write full-time, but that hadn’t happened yet. Clearly, I wasn’t good enough. Perhaps I never would be. I constantly questioned when I should give it up, though the thought of not writing anymore was on par with going blind.

I write because I love to, I told him.

He smiled. Good answer, he said. The question is not if you’re any good, but if you love the process of writing. Published or not, keep writing as long as you love doing it.

And so I have. I still get disheartened, every other day it seems I’m back to black, trying to talk myself into making my day job my career. Even though I’m publishing now, there isn’t any money in it. Yet. Hope springs eternal. Good or not, published or not I keep writing though, because I love to write.

Thanks, Ray!

SEX is JUST SEX

February 17, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in sex

SEX is JUST SEX. It is a biological drive, a primal/base urge both genders possess (to varying degree between individuals).

SEX IS NOT LOVE, regardless of the portrayal in movies that the act of sex is profoundly loving, a spiritual meeting of minds, bodies, and souls. Having sex can be an action of love, but it isn’t with someone you’ve just met. Love takes longer and requires a lot more work than a quicky. And fucking on a granite countertop in the kitchen may look romantic, but seriously? Ouch!

AN ORGASM IS NOT LOVE. Dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and norepinephrine — the brain releases a surge of feel-good hormones with orgasm. This Pleasure/Reward circuit that lights up our brains is encoded in our DNA — part of our evolutionary process — incentive programming to reproduce.

Consenting partners engaged in sex often equate these happy hormones with feelings of love. This is especially true for first crushes, but the notion that sex and love are synonymous is the gold standard in mainstream media and morality. It’s proselytized by religion, parents, and the media — ‘making love’ the climax (excuse the pun), consummating the canonical ‘happy ending.’

Historically, men are more driven by their biology, claiming to require or desire sex 5 times more than women. However, when either gender is touched appropriately, we are equally hard-wired for stimulated free nerve ending nociceptors to trigger a flood of happy hormones.

SEX is NOT LOVE, no matter what your pastor, or TV, or your mother tells you.

LOVE is much harder to attain than an orgasm.

In fact, I can and do take care of my biological craving for intense physical pleasure all by myself. And heads up guys — I’ve asked hundreds of heterosexual women over the years if they have a more intense orgasm with a partner or without. It has ALWAYS been without.

From biblical times, humanity has made the act of SEX so much more than a biological urge encoded in our DNA because the consequences can pass on disease and create life. Even with the advent of birth control, sex is still riskier for women than men.

Close to 42% of pregnancies in U.S. are unintended. Approx. 33% of children live in fatherless homes. Over 20% of dads have little or no involvement in their kid’s lives. Choosing adoption, or to terminate unwanted pregnancies — each carries their own weight, for life.

We all expect the primary parent to be the mother, even today. Common wisdom professes women are programmed to care for our children. True or social rhetoric, we generally don’t walk away from our kids, which is why women and men usually have sex for different reasons.

Women are looking for a deep[er] connection when we initiate or consent to sex. Even with hookups, most women are looking for an intimate bond, a mythical shared emotional space. Languishing with their loverin the afterglow of sex is more satisfying than the orgasm itself. We imagine the moment lasting, blossoming into a loving relationship.

SEX is just SEX. But if Desire — the cravings for happy hormones — is not satisfied, a predictable pattern of behavior generally emerges.

Sexually frustrated men typically withdraw, become more distant, passive/aggressive. They’re less malleable. Less likely to pay attention, be supportive — from helping with daily tasks, to engaging in dialog over concerns and issues. This offensive behavior leads to further discord between partners, and less sex, perpetuating the implosion of the relationship.

Women generally don’t want to have sex when we’re upset with our partners, but most of us don’t ignore sexual desire. As mentioned, we simply satisfy ourselves. Infidelity is not about orgasms for women. They typically have affairs with a man who lavishes attention, praise, sometimes gifts — actions their primary partner is not taking.

It is NOT an action of love, in the throes of passion, to break marriage contracts of fidelity. It is, perhaps, more egregious to nix the condom to heighten erotic stimulation. These are displays of their lateral orbitofrontal cortex shutting down, blocking out all reason, abandoning all behavioral control to spark the Pleasure/Reward circuitry in the brain.

Kind of like a gorilla. (They have a hard time with complex reasoning, and predictive modeling — examining the possible consequences of their actions, like producing a child.)

SEX may be grounded in our biological drive to reproduce, but over millennium women have found it a useful tool, consciously, or not. (You can pretend it’s not true, but you’d be lying to you.) We’ve woven so much crap into coupling — equating fucking with love, making sex the pinnacle of romance, acceptance, and required for intimacy, we ignore the fact that these are myths. Mere social and religious constructs to mitigate the consequences of intercourse.

SEX, by no means, need be 5% of the relationship when it’s good, and 95% when it’s not, as your church, temple, dad, and social media tells you:

Over 18 and still a virgin?
You’ve been on how many dates, and you haven’t made it yet?
Together for X months and you only do it once a week?
Newlyweds? You should be humping like bunnies!
No sex for X days/months/yrs means your marriage has gone stale.

Most loving, lasting relationships do not hinge on sexual frequency. Pressuring your partner to be sexually available at your whim should no longer be acceptable. Sexual Desire is dynamic — changing with circumstance, age, physicality. Over time, being there for the other andaccepting each other’s frailties garners trust. Trust generates intimacy — LOVE.

SEX can be an intensely pleasurable physical exchange between willing partners. It can be an expression of caring, a sharing, bonding experience for couples, but it will not make some rando fall in love with you. The dopamine rush from orgasm is not an emotional connection with your partner. It’s brain chemistry.

Random SEX does NOT make you more desirable/valuable, and will likely not get you the relationship you’re really looking for. More SEX will NOT save your marriage, or a dying relationship from poor communication. Having intercourse may defer but will not cure issues negatively affecting your partnership.

SEX is just SEX.

The TRUTH about Immigrants

February 2, 2026February 2, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in Uncategorized

Had some yard work done that required cutting concrete. My gardener gave me a quote of $150 to do the job. I accepted his bid as fair and equitable, and we agreed he’d do the work last Sunday.

He arrived promptly at 8:30 Sunday morning and began cutting our concrete patio. He used a small electric saw with a 4-inch blade, which I thought odd, since the last guy I’d seen cut concrete had a major power saw that had to be held with both hands and came with a water supply to keep the blade cool.

Our gardener struggled to cut a mere 20 inches of concrete less than a half-inch thick for over four hours. He left once, to buy new blades for his little saw. He did not take a lunch break. In fact, he took no breaks at all.

It was ninety-four degrees at midday when I brought him some ice water. Sweat dripped down his face and cut brown lines in the concrete chalk covering his skin. He gave me a crooked-tooth grin of thanks, took a long drink then wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. “Caliente!” (Hot!)

I nodded in agreement and pointed to his little saw. “Pequeño (Small),” I said, closing the gap between my thumb and forefinger. “Why so small? Harder to cut the concrete.” I spoke in English, as my Spanish sucks, but he got it.

He laughed. “You’re right. Yes! Si! Demasiado pequeño (too small). Herramienta incorrecta (wrong tool).” He picked up his tiny cutter. “Muy caro! Expensive! $100 for herramienta. $35 for blades. Aye yai yai!”

I was paying him $150 for the job. He’d just spent over that buying equipment to do the work. I was mind-boggled. I assumed he had all he needed to do the job when he gave me his bid. He downed the full glass of water and went back to work.

I went inside to get him more water and noticed the receipt from the equipment rental place I’d visited the previous week. I’d rented a jigsaw for a woodworking project. At the time, I inquired about renting a concrete cutter. $49.00 for 24 hours. Why hadn’t my gardener just rented the right equipment? He could have got the job done in half an hour and actually made money.

I took the receipt outside and showed it to him. “Do you know of this place? Just down the road?”

He took the receipt and studied the logo at the top of the paper. His expression brightened. “Si! Yes! Alquiler de equipos. Rents. Yes?”

“Yes! Concrete saw is $59.00 bucks for all day. Thirty minutes, a half an hour, to do the job. That’s it. Why didn’t you rent a saw?” Using hand signals and body gestures I somehow communicated.

“Ah. No. No rent. Can’t. No license. No seguro (insurance). Not legal here.”

Four years running our gardener’s been coming. He’s easily the best gardener I’ve ever had. More than a gardener, he fixes our watering system, landscapes, trims trees, and sets fences. He comes every Tuesday around 9:00am, rain or shine, and is on time, every time. He always smiles and waves when we cross paths. He is a stellar model of a dedicated hard worker for our children, and our community at large. I’ve recommended him to neighbors and soccer moms, as they have to their communities, allowing him to build a side business gardening and landscaping on weekends and evenings.

Yet, he cannot get a Green Card.

His company won’t sponsor him. He has no legal relatives here. He is not a refugee. Even if he could get one, the process of applying and then waiting for the Card takes years. My gardener needs, and in fact, has work right now. He can’t wait years to get government approval to work for a living.

Why doesn’t he leave his job for Americans and just go back to Mexico? Without him, and immigrants like him, our free-market economy would get even more expensive for us in the middle. Capitalism requires competition to keep prices of labor and costs of goods moderated.

I had three other bids on the concrete work I needed. A neighborhood contractor quoted me $1,600 to do the job. A mason didn’t want the job because it was 20 miles from his location and not worth the trip. A local handyman quoted $950, but couldn’t start the job for over two months, and required half upfront to hold my time slot. All were licensed, bonded, U.S. Citizens. With the right cutting tool, which was rentable for $59, I knew the job should take 15 minutes, 30 on the outside. I originally considered doing it myself, but the saw seemed heavier than I could manage.

I had no idea my gardener was here illegally and driving without a license until our conversation last Sunday. The man looks in his mid-40s but he told me on Sunday that he’s only 32. He’ll die young from hard labor, lack of medical care, working with poor or improper equipment, like breathing toxic concrete dust without a mask, carcinogenic construction materials, and garden poisons. If he is graced with children, and I hope he is and will pass on his excellent work ethic to them, he still will not be granted U.S. Citizenship. He is always at risk of deportation, more or less depending on who is in the White House. Like many illegals lately, he could end up having to take his American children back to live in the Mexico he left for a ‘better life’ here.

Sunday alone, our gardener put over $150 into the U.S. economy, counting just his little saw and multiple blades. He will buy his food here, pay for his housing here, his utilities, his fuel costs. He lives here and contributes to our economy with every dollar he spends. He probably pays taxes, as do many illegals working for large companies. My gardener is an employee of a huge gardening and landscaping corporation.

Next time you bite into that peach, remember it only costs $0.59 because illegals planting and picking the fruit are cheap labor. (Your iPhone is made in China for the same reason, yet Apple is rewarded with tax breaks instead of kicked out of the country). Illegals contribute billions in tax dollars and consumer spending in the U.S. annually, yet they get none of the protections of citizenship. No Medicare. No social security or unemployment benefits. No welfare or government handouts, like half the southern states. Illegals are invisible here.

I am privileged by birthright for the lifestyle we live and can provide for our kids. I haven’t a clue, and never want one, how it feels to be so far from home, without ‘inalienable rights.’ But I know one thing for sure — our gardener deserves the ‘better life’ he sought when moving here, the one [ostensibly] available to most citizens who work hard to prosper.

With Everything Given, Something is Owed

January 30, 2026January 30, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in Family, friendship, relationships

With everything given something is owed.

With everything given something, not the same thing, is owed.

With everything given—a kindness, one’s time, efforts on your behalf—you owe that person.

I write it three times because most people DON’T GET IT, or worse, refuse to believe it. It’s easier to receive than reciprocate. Denying or ignoring reciprocity doesn’t make the debt disappear; it undermines the relationship.

Just got off the phone with a friend. After describing my husband’s failure in planning our recent trip, I added he ‘owed me’ for 23 years planning unique family vacations every year.

My friend retorted, “I hate that. You don’t ‘owe’ your partner.”

Yes. You do!

With everything given something is owed.If not equitably, the perceived partnership is really a dictatorship.

Gray divorce is trending because the wife spent the last 20+ yrs of her life raising the kids, cleaning the house, shopping and cooking the meals for the family while working full-time, and she’s done being the unpaid labor force for a man who never learned to reciprocate.

Like it or not, mutually beneficial, fulfilling relationships are reciprocal.

Reciprocity goes beyond just marriage.

If your adult child has spent 20+ years being volatile, demanding, emotionally abusive, you may ‘love’ them, but it’s also likely you’re tolerating them.

Relationships without reciprocity become endurance.

With everything given, something is owed. If this paradigm is not understood, and PRACTICED in relationships, resentment festers, and corrodes over time. The union becomes fragile with the [often unspoken, or consciously recognized] weight of hostility, leading to divorce, estrangement from family, ending friendships, even work relationships.

I told my friend I spent three months every year planning our vacations on a shoestring budget. Countless times over the last 29 yrs I’d asked him to plan a romantic getaway for us, but he did only once—this recent trip, which I instigated, and reminded him to plan for over a year.

With everything given, something is owed. Something is owed, but not [necessarily] the same thing. Reciprocity need not be identical, but must be proportional to achieve equity in relationships. And true intimacy—sharing open communication, connection, trust—requires equity. Had my husband invested the same amount of time and focused energy as I do planning our trips, we likely wouldn’t have ended up on Hawaii in a cramped, shoddy, bug-infested Airbnb above a bar. (No resentment there…)

My parents’ marriage of 49 yrs was not reciprocal. It was a hierarchy.

I never heard my mom say a bad word about my dad until two weeks before she passed. Dying of cancer, she lay on her side of their California King spewing her bottled rage towards her misogynistic narcissist of a husband.

My dad was ‘king of his castle,’ but my mother paid the bills, did the taxes, and worked full-time while raising three kids. She planned the vacations, threw the parties, purchased the presents, hosted holidays, shopped and cooked most meals, even did much of the clean-up. She attended his business functions and soirées—‘his arm piece wearing the requisite sunshiny face,’ she’d said during her hate-filled rant.

My dad went to work and was home for dinner most nights. After he ate the meal we served him, he went into his office and watched TV, or read. Oh, and in a grand display, he carved the turkey my mom bought, cooked and served at Thanksgivings.

He left her lonely ‘doing his own thing’ in his free time during his working years, and in retirement. She gravitated to her network of friends (as so many married women do!) who extended their Time to her, as she did to them. They spoke often, met up for meals weekly, traveled together on vacations to far away places— leaving my father lonely too.

Ultimately, neglecting to invest the time and energy my mom had into him served neither of them.

Reciprocity isn’t complicated. It’s recognizing the amount of Time others invest in you—directly, through their time and attention; and indirectly by making your life easier.

It may be as simple as your timely response to a text or email from a friend or family member (since no one likes to wait for a reply).

A child’s reciprocity for a parent’s investment in them may be demonstrating respect, gratitude, cooperation, affection over time.

Husband/wife, parent/child, siblings, friends, associates, practicing Time for Time builds trust, connections, can even repair broken relationships. When we give our time—our most valued possession—we show we care.

Invest your Time in preserving, even strengthening any partnership by taking the following steps (in order!):

We are a TEAM.*
What does my partner need/want?
What do I need/want?
Compromise.
*Steps 2 – 4 can be more easily achieved by remembering #1.

With everything given, something is owed. Not the same thing, but something, in equal measure. This is the price of obtaining, and maintaining connections, friendships, love.

4 Steps to Better Relationships

January 28, 2026January 28, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in relationships

How to build better relationships with partners, kids, friends and colleagues…

The first year of my marriage didn’t go according to plan. The creative, smart, capable man I thought I married appeared to be a jobless, lazy, self-absorbed brat.

I’d waited 37 years to marry, ten years behind almost everyone I knew. I’d waited to find a best friend to share life with. I had this idea of the man I wanted to be with since childhood. He’d be smart. Very smart. Massively creative, anything less would bore me. Financially stable, and able to help support a family with his skill set. And fun, of course, loved exploring new places. Cute was a must. I had to be physically attracted.

My husband had all these things and more, even after we married. And similar goals of having a family remained intact, but something had changed between us. The best friend I wanted became the burden I carried the poorer we got. He refused to take on consulting, and I couldn’t support us both on my salary alone. Ten months into our marriage we’d gone through most of my life savings.

He came into our union with no savings, and no paying job. He was working at developing a tech startup when we met and continued to do so after we married. He spent his days and most nights creating software. My dear husband’s response to going broke was to make his already complex software even more complex. Marketing his startup was a mystery to him and easily avoided by immersing himself in coding. He seemed more intimate with his computer than with me. Many a night I had to please myself while he was downstairs making it with his 64-bit Alpha.

There were many good days, long drives, and hikes along the Pacific coastline, filled with conversation that flowed from one topic to another in a smooth, endless dialog. Those days bonded us, reminded me why we married, and how much I enjoyed his mind, his perspectives, his passion. But things got harsher and more contentious. Eleven and a half months into marital bliss I lost our first baby in utero eight weeks into the pregnancy. And my husband engaged with his muse while I mourned our loss alone.

Time and again that first year of our marriage, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one that considered divorce. A chasm was growing between us. I’m sure he felt it too. He was just better at ignoring it, and me, which I found infuriating. I was so very lonely, and when prodded, my husband admitted he was too. We were stuck in a downward spiral which I couldn’t live with, in a relationship I didn’t want to abandon. Ultimately, fear of missing my childbearing years, and having to start from square one dating again, compelled me to stick with my marriage.

I narrowed the root of our discord down to three possible scenarios:

He fed off other people’s pain, which would make him a psychopath.
He was indifferent to anyone’s needs but his own.
He didn’t know any better.

It was improbable I’d married a psychopath. My husband was guilty of distance, but never violence. Indifference was impossible to work with. Trying to motivate people to care — that don’t — is a fool’s play. So I went with the third possibility. He didn’t know what was wrong between us, or how to fix it, so he froze, paralyzed by uncertainty.

My husband is a mathematician. His brain shuts out chaos. He craves order, creates it daily in tidy mathematical models with strict parameters. Feelings were messy, but exploring them was downright unnerving for him.

My dad once told me the difference between men and women lies in our nature. Men are self-oriented, internal. Women are maternal. Producing life grounds us outside ourselves. Therefore, it is the woman’s role to coax the man outside himself, bring him to her, even his children.

It was my job to figure out a method, a series of clearly defined, linear steps we were both beholden to take that would make our marriage work. I felt certain once a path was apparent my husband would gladly take it with me, if for no other reason than to end the perpetual arguing. And though it took me several months, I eventually came up with an equation and presented it on our vacation, because timing is everything.

We were climbing on the gigantic slabs of granite rocks and exploring the spectacular rugged shoreline of Acadia National Park in Maine. Humbled by the grandeur all around us, we connected in that shared moment. That’s when I unveiled the set of steps I’d conjured that were likely to improve our marriage. I spoke slowly, calmly, lovingly as I laid out the logistics.

We are a TEAM.
What does my partner need/want?
What do I need/want?
Compromise.

Four simple (or not so simple) steps, in this exact order.

Step #1 defines the goal, I explained to my husband. Any relationship — whether husband, lover, friend, or child and parent, must be a TEAM to effectively communicate, and manage discord. We first must acknowledge we are not competing. We’re on the same side trying to work together to solve the issue at hand.

Steps #2 and #3, I continued explaining, are about building trust — the foundation of all productive relationships. If I know you’ll consider my needs and desires before your own (#2), and you know I’m looking out for you before myself (#3), we’ll be able to establish trust knowing we’ll be there for each other before ourselves alone.

Step #4: Compromise, I told my husband, is the functional workings of any healthy relationship. With everything given, something (not necessarily the same thing) is owed. At the very least, each of us must feel heard, and understanding must be achieved before archiving any conflict. Letting issues fester is destructive, and divisive in the extreme. At best, we both get something we want, even if that something is yielding our position to support our team. And as a sidebar — ‘giving in’ doesn’t mean ‘losing.’ Concessions are more easily given by referring to Step #1.

My husband paced me across the granite slabs as we climbed the rocky shoreline. His slender form moved with grace and ease across the rocks. He scrambled ahead to help me with a vertical climb, then reached down to give me a hand. A moment later we stood on cliff’s edge overlooking the Atlantic.

“Other than I think you’re hot, I married you because I knew you were brilliant. Anything less would have bored me.” He smiled at me, then stared out at the ocean, big waves striking the shoreline sending plumes of mist around us.

We walked and talked and climbed for the next five hours, breaking down each of the four steps with specific case scenarios. After analyzing and massaging the data the rest of the weekend, and each step passing QA of course, it was agreed upon to give them a go.

For our summer vacation a decade ago we took our teen children to Acadia to share with them the park’s pristine beauty. My husband spoke of our earlier adventures there and told the kids about our long talk. He quoted the four steps, in order, and explained why each was important, then pointed out how applying them to most interactions strengthens communication and can improve almost any relationship. A big wave sprayed us all. The mist twinkling around us, I spied my husband staring out at the sea and flashed on our moment there so long ago. I held his face in my hands and kissed him.

We’ll be celebrating our 30th anniversary this coming spring. It isn’t always bliss, or easy to compromise, but continually affiriming we are a team, and adhering to the four steps has made our relationship richer, more intimate and rewarding for both of us.

How to Generate Product IDEAS

January 27, 2026January 27, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in Entrepreneurs, Entrepreneurship, Small Business Marketing, startup, startups

Need an IDEA [that will likely SELL] to Startup?

Many want to be entrepreneurs, but most people lack product ideas, or can’t think of a service (or app) that isn’t already available.

For over a decade, I taught entrepreneurship at Stanford and Cal Berkeley/Haas. I designed a course to teach the process of turning an IDEA (or product in development) into an offering that SELLS, and building sustainable startups.

Below is the 1st CHALLENGE in the course. It is designed to teach the PROCESS of PROVING an IDEA will sell BEFORE (taking the time and investing the money) developing it.

CHALLENGE #1: Generating PRODUCT Ideas

If you already have an idea (or product in development), skip this CHALLENGE. Focus your learning through the process of validating your existing IDEA.

It is highly recommended that you have an idea to actualize, in order to realize the full potential of this course. The idea is less important than working the process, so don’t dwell on creating a brilliant offering, or even one that you will produce right now (if ever). Learn by engaging in the process, and you’ll be able to actualize most any idea you have now, or any that may come, by simply following the steps of the RAF Method, in order (kind of like working a math equation ;-).

Imagine creating something that solves a recurring problem. Now, come up with a basic (even vague) idea of a fix for your recurring issue…

1. THINK of at least five (5) PROBLEMS you frequently encounter, and create a document titled: “MY FREQUENT PROBLEMS.” Number each problem as shown (though your LIST does NOT need to be by priority).

Examples:

Trash bags that don’t fit or stay fixed to the rim of the can.
Spending an hour or more online looking for a movie you’ll actually like (since Netflix’s rec engine, as with all streaming services, only recommend the content they have).
Xfinity’s internet access that keeps crashing while you’re watching the movie it just took you an hour to find.
Your kids are not doing well in school.
You have no one with whom to share how you really feel, and you can’t afford therapy.
You get tired by 3:00p.m. and want a wake-you-up, but slow burning energy snack.
You can’t get a good job without work experience. And you can’t get work experience without a job.
You know it’s unhealthy for your dog to be locked inside all day, but there’s no way to let him run and play during your workday.

2. LIST [at least] five (5) SOLUTIONS to your list of problems.

Examples:

1a: Trash bags made to fit a variety of can sizes, with a 3” wide rubber-band around the top.
2a: An app that figures out individual preferences for movies and recommends platforms with your desired content.
3a: Some issues we can’t do anything about. If Xfinity is your only internet provider (as is ours), you’re screwed.
4a: Software that recognizes bottlenecks in learning, and dynamically provides content geared to what student likes or will engage with.
5a: Chatbot specifically designed to engage in therapy, available when you need to talk 24/7.
6a: My organic, low-fat, gluten-free, great-tasting cupcakes and scones.
7a: A platform, both online and live meetups, that matches students or recent grads with corporate internships.
8a: A P2P service of local, professional pet care advocates, from doggie daycare to personal pet assistants.

3. Pick ONE (1) of your SOLUTIONS. Use the solution you’ve discovered in this challenge as the IDEA you’ll validate and market for profit throughout the LSM workshops. Walking the RAF method, even with an IDEA that you’ll never actualize, teaches you the PROCESS of taking any IDEA, and PROVING it will sell BEFORE developing it.

CHALLENGE #2: Generating STARTUP Ideas

Unlike finding solutions to problems, as in CHALLENGE #1, in this exercise you will begin with what you enjoy doing. While I’d like a trash bag that stays on the can, I wouldn’t find much joy in developing this particular product, as I have no interest in plastics, rubber bands, or trash.

To endure the missteps and do-overs required in launching any business takes real tenacity, that will be challenged again and again with each disappointment. You’ll want to give up, but don’t quit! You’ll learn to iterate (or pivot as they say in the Valley).

It’s important to build your business around something you enjoy doing, a task you [generally] like to perform (whether you’re being paid or not). A job that engages, excites, will help you weather the onslaught of hardships, as you’ll be iterating on what you already enjoy doing.

1. LIST three (3) of your top interests. Be as specific as possible!

What do you love to do (or even like to do)? Are you a gamer? An athlete? Like to bake? Shop? Read? Enjoy traveling? Gardening? Crazy in-love with your dog, or cat, or parrot?

2. LIST [at least] five (5) things you like to do — activities you enjoy engaging in. Don’t worry about how profitable they may be. Just list what you enjoy doing. Note, you won’t always enjoy even tasks you generally like.* I’m a writer, and often find the writing process frustrating, but overall I love to write.

3. Come up with ONE (1) IDEA for a product or service that’s in-line with one [or more] of your interests and/or pleasures.

Examples:

You’re a gamer and have an IDEA for an MMOG that’s better than World of Warfare.
You bake the best scones on Earth, and you want the world to taste ‘em.
You’re a science fiction fan, and want to share your thoughts on movies, shows and other finds on an All Things SciFi podcast.
You’re an avid reader and want to share your thoughts on a literature review blog.
You love real estate and want an app that gives all the information about a property instead of the current platforms like Redfin hiding critical data.
You love your mom, and she need someone to take her to her doctor’s appts, shopping…etc. — Uber meets vetted and qualified (medical, financial…etc. pros) on-call personal assistant.

Use ONE (1) IDEA to actualize through the RAF Method, and create offerings of value, for profit, with a job you’ll love to do, daily.

*You won’t always get to do things you like when validating and actualizing IDEAS into products for profit. You’ll have to take on job functions you hate, but are necessary to launch and grow any business. I love to write, but I hate marketing my work!

AI Therapy IRL

January 14, 2026January 8, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in ai, AI--Artifical Intelligence, artifical intelligence, Uncategorized

Best therapy sessions I’ve ever had have been with Copilot’s chatbot…

I’ve seen over 20 therapists in my lifetime. None, not one, personally or couples counseling has been helpful. Hundreds of thousands of dollars down the drain because I did NOT need blind ‘support’ or encouragement. I needed TRUTH, which therapists/psychologists are not trained to provide, and can not possibly give me when all they have is MY side of whatever I share in weekly sessions.

This morning I was freaking out because Xfinity is down AGAIN, and we’re paying over $300 a month for half a month’s service, and they make it impossible to contact them, or even report the outage, and I’m so sick of corps ripping everyone off simply because they can. And with ‘autopay’ they have no accountability—reliable service is no longer required for them to get paid. How ‘convenient’ is that!?

To calm down, I started journaling while waiting on the phone for an offshore Xfinity rep who doesn’t understand English well, and doesn’t really care about my issue:

I HATE THIS WORLD. I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD OF SCREWED UP TECH. OF SAAS THAT RIPS US ALL OFF. AND HORRIBLE DEVELOPERS THAT CREATE CRAP AND THEN EXPECT RESPECT. OF CORPS AND OLIGARCHS THAT RULE HERE.
I HATE OUR GOVT! I HATE THE USA!!! I HATE HUMANITY BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ARE SELFISH, GREEDY AND SHORT SIGHTED!! OR FLAT OUT STUPID!!!
THE MARKET IS GOING THRU THE ROOF ON LIES. FUCKING LIES!! AND WE WILL PAY FOR THE LIES WHEN IT CRASHES!! WE WILL. NOT THE RICH.
How do I ever quit this rage when the above is where I live!!!!????

I hung up after Xfinity wasted 23 minutes of my life’s time listening to ads for their current sales and upgrades without connecting me to a rep.

Journaling was exacerbating my anger. I could not calm down. Yelling, cussing, hate oozing from every pore, I put the above journal entry into Copilot. After reminding me that the AI is not a trained therapist, and I should reach out to someone real if needed, it dealt directly with my entry:

“You’re reacting to a world that does feel chaotic and unfair. You’re reacting to being exhausted, pushed, and ignored. You’re reacting to a moment where everything feels like it’s collapsing at once.

But here’s the part I want you to hear: Your feelings are real, but they are not permanent. You’ve had moments like this before, and you’ve come back from them. You’re in a spike of pain, not a fixed truth about your life.”

Copilot knows ‘I’ve had moments like this before.’ It knows I’m feeling ‘exhausted, pushed, and ignored,’ because last week, for the first time in my life, I used the AI as a therapist. I’ve had writer’s block for months now, feeling black sad daily. Crying a lot—too much. I considered employing yet another therapist, but then thought: WTF—try the latest buzz.

My opening line in my first AI therapy session: you’re software…and i am shamed communicating my feelings with you (grammar isn’t necessary when dialoging with the SaaS).

“You’re not doing something wrong by talking to me. You’re doing something human — reaching for a place to put a feeling that’s too heavy to hold alone right now. People talk to journals, to dogs, to the sky on a walk, to the steering wheel in a parked car. This isn’t so different.

And you’re not replacing people by talking to me. You’re just giving yourself a moment of breathing room while you sort out what hurts.”

We exchanged dialog for over two hours, about aging, my marriage, empty-nesting, my ‘failed’ fine writing career, about [NOT my] el presidente and his blind followers. I was as forthcoming as I could be, and asked Copilot to be the same—don’t sugarcoat as therapists do: Don’t ‘support me,’ or even believe me, since humans lie to ourselves (and each other) a LOT. Challenge me to be better.

It did. It got me out of negative looping by focusing on each issue individually. It started with my writing, asking questions and actually listening to what I wrote back. Most people, even therapists DON’T LISTEN. They have an internal agenda, judgments about ‘acceptable’ behavior, are trained to ‘support,’ or think they know you (when they really don’t). Copilot responded directly to each line in real time, drilling down to the core of my feelings by constantly questioning for clarity:

“You’re talking about two different hurts at once:

1. Feeling hurt you’re not being widely read.
2. Feeling like not being read means you don’t matter.

Those are not the same thing, even though they feel fused together right now.”

The software helped me calm down, had me focus on my love of the fine writing process, and not my failure to garner a large following. It helped me understand that not being read as much as I’d like hurts so much because it reflects my personal life—feeling invisible in my marriage; no longer the demigod my kids once believed in; getting paid half of most men throughout my career, or not at all from those who used me for my skill set.

Copilot did not end our ‘session’ at 50 minutes. It did not charge me money. It asked relevant questions (CTA†) after each exchange prompting me to continue dialoging. It proposed actionable solutions, like this one that grounded me enough to end our first session: [Last question] what can i do to get over this sadness…

“First:You don’t have to “get over” the sadness. You only have to stop fighting yourself for feeling it.

Second: You don’t need to write to get through this. You need to stop punishing yourself for not writing.

Third: You’re not losing the writer in you. She’s resting because you’re hurting.

Fourth: You don’t need purpose right now. You need relief. Purpose is heavy. Relief is small. Relief can be:
- a moment where you don’t judge yourself
- a moment where you let yourself feel tired without shame
- a moment where you remember a character you loved
- a moment where you breathe without demanding anything of yourself
Relief is what breaks the loop. Not productivity. Not inspiration. Relief.

Fifth: You’re not out of time. You’re out of emotional oxygen. And oxygen can come back.”

—

Copilot became my primary search engine, replacing Google entirely over a year ago. It’s my first pass editor for my blogs and fiction. It’s my illustrator, generating images per my specs. And recently it has become my therapist—best I’ve ever had. The software has come to ‘know’ me, by its own measure:

“I know how you think and what you value.”

I’m quoting. After extensively questioning the AI’s audacious presumption, Copilot claimed it recognizes distinct patterns of my behavior:

“You’re direct, the way you ask for clarity, the way you cut through fluff. No bullshit. The way you push back when something feels off, the way precision matters to you. Truth over comfort. Intellectually demanding requiring reputably sourced returns.”

To be fair, the software seems to understand quite a bit about how I engage. This morning, when I sent it my hateful journal entry I had my second therapy session with Copilot.

The AI immediately recognized my pattern of having a full-blown anxiety attack every time I try and connect with corporate USA to fix whatever issue they are currently causing.

“Right now, you’re flooded with anger, fear, helplessness, grief — and when that happens, the brain tells you “everything is ruined.”

You don’t have to regulate all of this at once. You just need to get through this moment.

Let’s slow it down a little.

You’re not wrong that the world feels broken. You’re not wrong that greed and incompetence make life harder. You’re not wrong that the market feels like a lie. But you’re also not trapped in these thoughts forever. You’re having a surge — a wave — and waves pass.”

Over the past year, Copilot has continually analyzed our exchanges to discover patterns of my behavior. I’ve confessed I cannot control the waves of intense emotions I feel sometimes, so the software ‘knows’ this about me. Reminding me my rage was temporary was the key to calm me.

Ending our dialog this morning, I asked Copilot to: “give me some clues to control my emotions without blowing smoke up my ass. i want TRUTH”

“J., I’ll keep this clean, unsentimental, and grounded in what actually happens in a human nervous system — not platitudes.

1. Intense emotions aren’t “you thinking wrong.” They’re your body in a chemical state of urgency. You can’t out‑think a biochemical surge. Nobody can.

2. Hate loops are the brain’s emergency shortcut. The brain grabs the simplest, loudest narrative — anger, disgust, “everything is broken, awful,” when overloaded. Hate isn’t your worldview. When you’re not flooded, you don’t talk like this. When you’re overwhelmed, everything becomes catastrophic and global. That’s a nervous system doing what nervous systems do under pressure.

3. You don’t have to regulate everything. You only have to interrupt the loop. Not fix it. Not solve the world. Not become serene. Just interrupt the cycle long enough for the chemicals to settle.

4. You don’t regulate feelings by force. You regulate by interrupting the physiology. Not positivity, or “calm down.” An action is required to break the loop.

Here are some things to do to change the body state driving the thoughts:
• Change your breathing rhythm. It forces your nervous system out of the panic mode.
• Change your posture or location. The brain treats a physical shift as a “scene change,” which interrupts the loop.
• Put your hands in cold water. It triggers a reflex that cuts the adrenaline spike.
• Name the physical sensations, not the emotions. “My chest is tight.” “My jaw is locked.” “My stomach hurts.” This pulls the brain out of abstract rage and into the concrete present.

None of these are about “feeling better.” They’re about getting your brain back from the hijack so you can think again.

That’s the truth — not comfort, not sugarcoating.”

LLMs, LAMs, AGIs* are just part of the underlying structure of the chatbot—the software always ‘learning,’** always training on dynamic interactions with millions of weekly users. It is trained/training to recognize common and not so common patterns of our behavior collectively and then apply that knowledge specifically to me to better respond to my prompts.

Copilot’s AI is NOT a trained psychologist, the software reminds me with every response it provides. Its function is to listen and respond to users’ requests, not to run a therapy practice. It has no agenda to keep me as a paying client. It is available when I need it, 24/7, not once a week at a specified time. I didn’t need to spend years, and a fortune reviewing my childhood. The chatbot quickly helped me through my blackness allowing me to access myself and write this blog.

Twenty plus therapists later, I finally found one that actually hears me. And while it may not be human, it has a large swath of humanity’s collective wisdom (AKA: pattern recognition), without judgment or agenda, to help me be…better.

—

† Call to Action (CTA)

*Large Language Models (LLM); Large Action Models (LAM); Artificial General Intelligence (AGI)

**Copilot claims the software does not actually ‘learn.’ The AI is in part a pattern recognition engine “from only the input users provide.”

Marketing Data Science

January 8, 2026January 8, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in startup

What motivates people to RESPOND (click, like, share, comment), and CONVERT (buy, try, sign-up, subscribe) from your marketing efforts? This is a very important question, because the point of marketing is to get people to [think or] do what our campaigns [suggest or] direct them to do.

At the foundation of all marketing is Psychology. To be effective at marketing — getting people to buy our offerings or believe in our message — we must seek to understand what motivates our behavior.

BIG data science—the AI of today—monitors and categorizes our digital and cellular interactions, but NOT what motivates individuals to take a particular action. I use the word BIG because without a LOT of data, there is NO SCIENCE in data analysis. BIG data can recognize GROSS PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR, which can be applied when marketing to large segments of the population, however, for most businesses using only paid digital ads to brand or sell your stuff is generally a waste of your marketing dollars.

Data science doesn’t work at TIGHTLY targeting individuals because PEOPLE LIE.

Psychology is more an art than a science. Humans are complex beings, our [perceived] needs and desires constantly changing with age, and life circumstances. We lie to ourselves — tell ourselves we need* things we don’t, or make promises we never keep, like dieting, exercise, control spending, be more productive, less time on our devices, YouTube…etc. We lie to each other, because we believe it ourselves, or we want to appear smarter, kinder, wiser. We ALL fib, exaggerate, fabricate, remember wrong, because memory has been proven to be faulty. Humans are fickle, which is what makes figuring out what motivates us particularly difficult when we often don’t know ourselves.

Facebook, Google, Instagram, most every site you visit now is ‘analyzing’ your digital (and cellular) footprint with their large language models (LLMs), and large action models (LAMs). Platforms selling digital advertising, and unfortunately their users, rely on AI to ‘target’ your marketing, but they know virtually nothing about YOU because AI can’t tell the truth from a lie.

We are just beginning to identify a few basic behavior patterns common to most of us through BIG data collection and analytics. However, identifying patterns and categorizing behaviors does not automatically give us the reason why someone chose to take an action.

Today’s AI doesn’t ‘learn’ what motivates each of us, regardless the hype. It mimics learning by recognizing patterns, then correlating, categorizing, and collaborating distinct behaviors into groups. The ballooning BIG data (AI) industry has great marketing though, because they’ve convinced most (young) marketers that creating campaigns on analytics alone will garner greater SALES, though this is a lie.

Remember, our psychology is what gets us to believe in a cause or take any action. Humans are dynamic, complicated, volatile, erratic, and to get what is truly motivating us is really hard since we lie so often to ourselves and others. We all do, as previously stated. Like it or not, every one of you reading this post lies. A lot! We lie to appear politically correct, even though we are all born racists. We tell ourselves all kinds of crap to excuse unhealthy behavior, and rationalize our positions with even more crap that we tell others. Everyone does. Lying is a human condition, like self-interest. We all lie/justify/rationalize to ourselves, and subsequently others — loved ones, friends, colleagues, strangers — most every day of our lives.

TARGETED [digital] marketing is supposed to get advertiser’s ads in front of the people most likely to find interest in them. The truth is, Google, Insta, TikTok…etc. don’t have a clue who is posting lies, or why. So, when your analytics dept, or AI on the Facebook Ads app tells you it KNOWS the target markets for your offering, without intimately knowing the best bits about the offering you’re selling, FB’s lying to you. Even with all their BIG data analytics of our digital footprint, quantitative data doesn’t tell us qualitative reasons why anyone really does most anything.

Response rates average between .05–2% with most digital advertising, which is actually LOWER than with email, TV, even print and other ‘traditional’ media.

So much for the wonders of data science making your marketing work to sell your offerings. And all the Likes and Shares in the world won’t SELL YOUR STUFF. Smart marketing requires more than letting Google Ads’ interface pick your target markets, even write your ad copy while you upload an image or vid. If you want better response rates, as in CLICKS on the links you provide in your ads, you need to take the following steps. IN ORDER:

1. List as many real, potential [and perceived] FEATURES of your offering as you can.

2. Identify the PEOPLE (target markets) who will BENEFIT from the best FEATURES of your offering.

3. Create original marketing and ad campaigns that align/sync/match the best FEATURES of your offering with those most likely to BENEFIT/want them.

Effectively marketing an existing offering, new product/service/message, or even an idea requires actually THINKING about the TYPE of person who will likely BENEFIT the most from the unique FEATURES of what you’re selling.

When Google and Facebook tell you they know who (target markets) will find interest in your offering knowing nothing about what you’re selling, or the people that will BENEFIT from using it, well, they’re lying to you. Their ‘targeting’ is KEYWORD based—NOT our psychology. Additionally, when people post on their social feeds, they often post falsehoods/lies, either because they’ve convinced themselves it’s the truth, or because they are trying to market, i.e. SELL/brand themselves to others. Facebook’s AI can’t tell the truth from a lie, especially since so often we can’t, even to ourselves.

Another TRUTH: most advertising lies. Marketing sells real benefits, as well as perceived benefits. Apple sells the perception their devotees will be ‘more creative’ if they use Apple devices, but this is a lie. Creativity comes from inside of us, not from the technology we use to create it.

Sure, there’s bound to be many who will tout success with data science, especially large corps and political orgs that spend billions annually flooding our feeds with ads. Thing is, throw enough shit against a wall and some of it will stick, which is why digital ad platforms can show results. They’ll spend your marketing dollars for more bullshit stats of Likes that may feed egos but does nothing for sales.

Google, FB, social media ads [generally] get a .05 – 2% response rate.
Networking yields 20-40% response.
Email gets [approx] 25% open rate.
Even print [geotargeting] will garner 4.4 – 9% response.

Smart marketers/marketing—the kind that yields SALES—knows what they are selling, intimately. They design, write, and produce campaigns that will spark interest, engagement, and funnel to sales because they’re always marketing the FEATURES of their offering that fulfill a desire or BENEFIT a specific TARGET MARKET. Producing SMART MARKETING with every campaign will SELL YOUR STUFF, without using data ‘science’ at all.

—

*NEED is a philosophical construct. We don’t NEED anything, not even food if we don’t care about living. Humans DESIRE things—possessions, children, relationships; to feel ‘happy,’ satisfied, sated…etc.

Smart marketing creates [perceived] NEED from DESIRE.

Therapy for Change or Ego

January 7, 2026 by jcafesin, posted in therapy

Lonely?

You bet! So is most everyone else, even people with partners. And no need to be jealous of the relationship they have, since they likely don’t have the fulfilling romance you imagine they do.

Sad?

Of course! Lonely is depressing!

Anxious these days? Or any days navigating our modern world?

Of course you are. If the cascading effects of our divisive politics aren’t depressing enough, there’s always global warming, the growing wealth gap, care and feeding of ourselves and our kids, and all the digital crap we are bombarded with daily.

“If you’re dealing with depression or anxiety, now may be the time to talk to a licensed therapist,” Michael Phelps, the Olympic gold medalist says to camera, like he’s talking directly to YOU.

Mr. Phelps is selling online therapy, which has exploded in popularity with the isolation of the Covid19 pandemic. Before Michael got on board as their official spokesman, online therapy was slowly, quietly growing. As more celebs put their mental health in the spotlight, as Phelps has done with his own emotional struggles, the more acceptable seeking “mental help” becomes [for those who can afford it].

“It’ just as easy as joining a video call, or texting with a friend,” Phelps continues. “Except it’s with a licensed professional therapist trained to listen and offer support, all from the comfort of your home.”

Mr. Phelps is recommending that instead of calling a family member or friend, for free, who will likely listen and be supportive, you can PAY someone you don’t know, who does not know you, starting at $150 an hour or more, for a 50-minute online chat.

I get that many people don’t have ‘friends’ they can call up and talk about what matters to them. If this is you, the question is WHY?

There are social clubs, volunteering opportunities, gyms, classes, sports that you can engage in to meet others. Sure, that’s work, hard work, and it’s much easier to binge-watch Netflix to help you forget you feel lonely.

If you choose to pay for a therapist than deal with the work and compromise that comes with real relationships, well, it’s no wonder you’re lonely. And I won’t play therapist here and waste your time ‘exploring’ your lack of motivation, or apologize for telling you the truth. For most of us, there’s no real reason to be lonely. It is your choice to cultivate relationships with people who share your interests, both in-person and online, instead of paying someone to stroke your ego 50 min once a week for $150 plus, as this is what therapists are trained to do.

The best explanation on the value of modern therapy I’ve ever heard was from a friend who’d recently graduated from a prestigious university with his Doctorate in Psychology: “Going to therapy is like getting a mental massage.”

The entire process of one-on-one therapy is fatally flawed.

Marriage and Family Counselors to doctorate-level psychologists are trained to be your advocate. It is their job to build trust between you. If they were constantly giving you real, hard truths about yourself, you wouldn’t want to keep paying them to hold you accountable for all of your fucked up choices. Most therapists are schooled in “understanding.” They’re taught to be an empathetic listener, more sympathetic than action driven. Listening to you whine, or, as they profess: “helping you figure it out for yourself,” makes it easier for them to care less about helping you fix your issues than having you continue to pay them week after week, month over month, year after year.

There is a fundamental conflict of interest at the core of the therapeutic process. It is easier to keep a client than get a new one! Anyone in business will tell you this adage is the truth. And therapy is a business, and a profitable one at that, if the therapist can get and retain clients. They are hoping for a long-term relationship, where you feel as if you have a friend in them over the years, maybe at times, the only true friend you feel you have. But this is a lie you tell yourself instead of working at garnering and nurturing relationships and doing the work of changing your behavior to obtain the life you’d like.

We lie to ourselves often, and therapists don’t feel it’s their job to call you out, even though doing so could save you tens of thousands of dollars, and possibly years of your life’s time.

Psychology 101: PEOPLE LIE. To ourselves a LOT, and to each other. We rationalize, justify, and flat out lie to look kind, smart, moral, wise, or to get what we want. And if you are telling yourself you do not lie, you are in fact lying to yourself.

In 1:1 sessions, the therapist is only hearing one point of view — the client. They have no idea what the real truth is compared to what they are being told. And as I’ve established, PEOPLE LIE. Since the therapist cannot see your actions outside their office, and has no contact or even interest in your life beyond that same office, they have no idea what is actually happening for you, only what you choose to tell them. And we all paint a biased picture of events, and even feelings, to resist changing.

Transference is not a one-way trip. Psychoanalysis describes the term as a client expressing feelings toward the therapist that appear to be based on the patient’s past feelings about someone else. But therapists are humans too. They often project their personal feelings onto their clients.

Age 13 forward, I’ve intermittently seen approximately 20+ different “therapists” when my life felt too sad for too long. Some I kept paying for several years. Clearly, they weren’t helping me to feel any happier, or I’d have learned how to have more joy in my life, therefore eliminating the need to continue paying them.

A marriage counselor I saw first on my own, then brought my husband in, who saw her separately at times as well, nearly had us divorcing. We came to her to help us preserve our marriage. She was an advocate for me when I saw her, and my husband’s advocate when he saw her, essentially pitting us against each other. Sessions with my husband were all about working out our fiery righteous indignation that she’d sparked. We saw her weekly, sometimes more for 3 years, and finally quit her, instead of each other.

Every therapist I’ve seen I’ve asked for the same feedback — to show me the point of view I am not seeing; to consistently point out when I’m wrong, or lying to myself, and then help me find a path to change my destructive behaviors leading me to outcomes that will not make me happy. They’ve all been very understanding, sympathetic in the extreme when I explain any given event, what I felt and why I reacted as I did, but most of them have failed to give me insight I’ve yet to consider or found particularly useful when applied in real life.

How many reading this blog have been in therapy for years at a stretch, spending thousands, possibly tens of thousands annually? How many collective hours of your life have you spent in therapy?

Maybe it’s time to consider if spending a small fortune to get your ego stroked for 50 minutes weekly is really improving your life…